


Another Sky

by chekovthechosen



Series: On the Other Side [1]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Angst, M/M, Mpreg, Timeskip
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-23 19:08:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 35,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6127114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chekovthechosen/pseuds/chekovthechosen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Mark wakes up next to Jackson, he's about to lose his mind. At first he thought his best friend had taken advantage of him, but things get increasingly stranger... Bambam is mean and rude to him, for one. Jackson is afraid of him. And worst of all... he finds out that he has no recollection of the past five years. In those five years, GOT7 broke up. He moved in with Jackson. Five years ago... they got married.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Stranger

**Author's Note:**

> Reposted from my asianfanfics account.  
> You can read this story and the sequel there, which tends to get updated first. Here's the link:  
> https://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view_author_stories/1140795/L

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!~~~ So this is my first kpop fanfic <3 hope you guys enjoy! I'll update this according to the feedback I get, since I'm busy <3 if it has a good response I'll probably try to churn out a new chapter ASAP. Where is Mark? what is happening? Who knows, it's a mystery~~

Strangely enough, Mark couldn’t help but feel that something wasn’t right. This was normally a premonition indicative of mildly bad events happening in the near future, like getting served the wrong food or buying something cheap that turns out to be broken.

It was a certain twinge of sour in his heart, or a small tug in his gut, that kind of alerted him to something amiss. Which was basically, in simpler terms, a bad feeling.

However, this particular morning was giving him the heebie jeebies on full max, shivers and restlessness included. Screw that. Instead, he rolled over and tried to force his mind back to blank, but it only gave him a headache. Apparently, going back to sleep wasn’t an option he had. And he was hoping for a good deep slumber before work too. Now he’d have to up the coffee dosage to compensate.

Yawning, he threw back the covers and sat up, smacking his lips. Darn, it was warm. Like a radiator or a hot water bottle or something was in the bed. He’d already told Jinyoung that he didn’t need one of those and also to stop creeping into the room while he was asleep, because that’s really weird and also he couldn’t be held accountable if he accidentally freaked out and kicked him out of a window. Not that he was the type of person to do that but hey, if you find yourself in what seems to be a horror movie that’s the smartest thing to do.

“Mark,” He heard a muffled groan, hoarse and tired. He was still dazed enough not to register it completely or be entirely sure that it was actually real. A few moments passed as he took the time to rub his eyes and open them.

At first, they flickered and fluttered in response to the light filtering in from gaps in the blinds, sneaking into the room like unwanted guests, but eventually they adjusted and his surroundings came into focus.

This wasn’t his room. Oh no. He wasn’t even drunk last night.

Standing up quickly, Mark cringed slightly at the sudden rush to his head and the dizziness and the yellowy haze that blanked his vision. Do not try that again. Definitely do not.

“Mark,” The voice called again, firmer this time, breaking the silence. It was real. Wait a second… did he actually… last night? No.

Turning around, he saw a neat black haircut sticking out from beneath the covers, one arm tucked out and face buried far from sight. So far, so good. At least it wasn’t someone ugly, he hoped. He leaned over cautiously. But then, he hadn’t even been drunk. What if this man had drugged him?

“Yah!” He yelled, yanking the blankets out of the bed.

The guy sat bolt upright, shock splayed across his features. After a moment, his eyes zeroed in on Mark and he visibly relaxed.

It was Jackson.

No way. Not his best friend, not the guy who was arguably the gayest with him yet somehow… the least likely to do this. The blinking in disbelief on Mark’s part must have been pretty obvious, because Jackson began to look confused. And… worried. That was new. It was usually something between cool and crazy.

“Mark?” He edged warily, moving slowly to take Mark’s arm. Had Jackson really done something to him? They weren’t in their room back at the dorm and he had no recollection of coming here. What an asshole. Actually, that was a good response.

“Asshole.” Mark repeated, out loud. “Asshole! What are you doing here? Wait…” Grabbing a book from the windowsill, he flung it at Jackson’s head and was delighted it made solid contact. “I’m calling Jaebum and the police! I’ll make sure that you are fired from GOT7, I can’t even stand you.” He jabbed a slender index finger at Jackson, a shaky laugh bubbling up in his throat. “I thought you were my friend… I don’t believe this. How could you?” Tears began to sting his eyes, and Jackson had the cheek to look concerned.

“What do you mean?” Jackson asked, startled. “Mark, GOT7 doesn’t exist anymore.”

“What?” He froze up, fear coursing up and down his spine. “You can’t be serious. Did you do something to them too, you sicko? I swear I’ll fight to get out of here. I swear it.”

“It’s not a joke.” He said firmly. “If anything, you sound like you’re playing a prank on me. Otherwise… there’s something horribly wrong.”

“I never knew you could deadpan so well.” Mark passed it off easily, stumbling backwards. “To prove it to you, I’ll call Bambam right now.” He fumbled for his phone in his pocket.

“There’s something really wrong with you, isn’t there?” Jackson’s eyes widened slightly. “You look younger too.”

“Do I? Must be the new face cream. Korean formula. Works every time.” He replied nervously, watching Jackson as he typed in the number. Surprisingly, he made no move to stop him.

A minute passed, but eventually there was a click and Bambam’s voice faded on. “Mark hyung? What is it?” He sounded sick… and tired and cold. What the heck? Bambam never acted like that, even when he wasn’t up to his normal spritely, dorky self. Not like that. “I was sleeping.”

“Oh thank god, I wasn’t even sure if this would work.” Mark heaved a sigh of relief, massaging his temple as the tears continued to fall. “Bambam, please, please tell me I wasn’t in a coma for twelve years and while I was gone, GOT7 crashed and burned. Also, I need to get back. Jackson must have kidnapped and drugged me because I woke up in his room and…” Looking down at himself, he peered behind the blanket and went into another screaming fit. “WE’RE BOTH NAKED. Call the police as well, he’s dangerous!”

“Back where? Aren’t you in Jackson hyung’s apartment? You moved in five years ago, Smart One.” Bambam muttered bitterly on the other end. That was strange, and really disorienting. “And stop being a weirdo, honestly. You’re married.”

“Married?” Dropping the phone, Mark felt his surroundings twist and turn. Suddenly he felt nauseous. Had five years really passed without him knowing? What had happened in these five years to make Bambam so rude to him?

Turning, he took in Jackson gaping at him, worry openly on his face, but also… fear. Of Mark.

He could hear a scream far away, but he realised as he felt his throat tear itself to shreds.

It was his.


	2. Mistrust

When Mark came to, he was lying back down in the bed. His eyes flickering open, he took in the cream ceiling in a daze and turned his head. Oh, it felt like someone was hammering at it with a vengeance… Jackson was there, and as soon as he noticed that Mark was awake, he jumped away and dropped the cold towel he was holding. Evidently, he’d been taking good care of him but didn’t want to get too close.

 

Forcing himself to sit up, Mark looked at him and raised an eyebrow. What had he ever done to Jackson to merit this kind of treatment? It was almost as if he was dynamite encased in porcelain – Jackson was afraid to hurt him, but yet, afraid to upset him. And he was still dubious of everything… In fact, whoever on the phone wasn’t Bambam. He was sure of it. Bambam could never speak to him, or anyone for that matter, with such contempt.

 

“Jackson.” He said softly, and it nearly made the other man jump out of his skin. “Is it all true? Look me in the eye.”

 

Swallowing, Jackson held up his hand with a golden band on his ring finger and said, “It’s true.” His gaze was almost piercing, even if it did waver. Clearly he was intimidated. Pointing to Mark’s hand and causing him to look down at a matching ring, he said again, “It’s true, see?”

 

“It is.” Mark was forced to admit, running a hand through his hair. “You wouldn’t have gotten such good rings for a prank. And besides…” He gave a wane smile. “I believe you.”

 

Heaving a sigh of relief, Jackson paused before looking up at him, “So you aren’t in a bad mood?”

 

“What? No, I’m just confused and a bit overwhelmed.” Shaking his head, he smiled at his friend.

 

“Are you angry at me?”

 

Befuddled, Mark answered, “No, of course not.”

 

“Then… I’m about to go out to work so can I ask… you won’t hurt me right? The office will have questions and I don’t want people to dislike you.” Jackson said, in a cowering tone as he picked up his briefcase.

 

Shocked, Mark let his jaw drop open and said in disbelief, “Hurt you? Jackson, I would never ever do that. I don’t think I even have the capacity.”

 

Biting his lip, Jackson stood up and was about to leave before Mark grabbed his arm. Horrified at how Jackson flinched at the sudden touch, his hand shot back like he’d just been burned.

 

“Jackson… these past five years, have I hurt you?”

 

A long silence.

 

“No, honey. Never.” Jackson laughed it off, but his eyes looked scared.

 

Before he could say anything else, he was hit by a wave of sickness. Perhaps it was the shock of waking up like this, perhaps it was the thought of hurting Jackson, but he barely had time to mumble, “I don’t feel so good.”

 

Dropping the briefcase immediately, Jackson helped Mark to the toilet and stroked his back as he voided the contents of his stomach. Terrible retching noises and the acrid stench of stomach acid filled the bathroom, but still Jackson’s hands were steady and kind. When he was done, Jackson was ready with a tissue and wiped away at his mouth gently.

 

“Baby… are you alright?” He implored, his eyes searching Mark’s.

 

Hesitant, Mark said slowly, “No. I’m not. I…” Breaking down into tears, he slumped against the bathroom wall. “I have memories of the past five years of my life. But now, what? They’re fake or way outdated? Because I don’t remember the five years everyone else is talking about. It just doesn’t match up.” Sobbing harder, he choked out between gasps as Jackson stared blankly at him, “B-bambam is the n-nicest, loveliest boy I’ve e-ever met. Y-y-yet he was so, so nasty! And you, suddenly I’m _married_ to you. It’s a d-dream come true. I’ve loved you for years.” He said, his voice quiet, but he gave Jackson this look of adoration. “It’s hard to hear all of a sudden but I’m so happy. Or I would be. Except you seem to be scared of me! Because…” Staring at his hands like there was blood on them, he murmured. “I hurt you.”

 

“No, sweetheart,” Jackson scooped him up into a hug. It was warm and smelled of aftershave, but he was tense. “You never did. Shh, it’s okay… It was… a bad joke. And I’m frightened because I’m worried I’ll lose you. Mark,” He pulled back to take in the tear-streaked face of his wife. “You don’t remember us being married. Do you remember… anything of us?”

 

Weeping raggedly, Mark shook his head. He didn’t. He remembered pining after Jackson for years… hurt and jealousy when he saw him and Bambam together, the loneliness, the nights spent crying… but not at all any hint of a relationship between him and Jackson. Great. His memories were completely blown.

 

“I was going to go to work.” Jackson said finally, trying to put aside his heartache to tend to Mark. “But now that I see you really aren’t feeling well, maybe I should take the day off.”

 

“Don’t do that for me.” Insisted Mark, feebly pushing away the hand that caressed his cheek. “Unless,” He remarked cheekily. “You’re just trying to get off work, huh? Lazy.”

 

However, the jab had the opposite effect. Jackson seemed to pale a little and protested, “I wouldn’t. Honest.”

 

What little humour he had left quickly shrivelled up and died. Waving him off, Mark flopped onto his side on the cold bathroom floor and felt the icy chill grip his cheek.

 

“Go then.”

 

Scrambling away, Jackson hurriedly ran out, snatching his briefcase and coat as he went, and was out the door just like that with the fastest ‘goodbye’ ever recorded. Well, he sure was dying to stay, wasn’t he?

 

As soon as he heard the door slam, Mark picked up the phone and called Bambam once more. Surely he was hallucinating or something equally kinder than reality.

 

On the seventh ring, Bambam grunted into the receiver, “What?”

 

“Bambam.” Mark was relieved to hear his voice, but unsettled to hear its tone. “Listen, I’m scared. I’ve got amnesia or false memories of something, I have no idea what’s real. Please come by.”

 

“Did you just ask me to do something for you?” Bambam sneered. “I’m sorry, it seems I have amnesia too, because I don’t remember you ever deserving it. Who are you? Freak.” Beep – beep.

 

Sinking to his knees, Mark had never felt so alone in his life. To be so hated and such an outcast, it seemed almost like a nightmare that wouldn’t end. Scrolling through his contacts in his phone, he found that the rest of GOT7 were there but unfortunately, he hadn’t the heart to call them after Bambam. He wanted Jackson to come hold and hold him but couldn’t bear to feel how rigid he was in doing so.

 

Pulling himself to his feet, he wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. The pain, both emotional and physical, was horrendous. So was the bewilderment at what was going on around him, and the cluelessness. His mind was tearing apart at the seams.

 

Pushing the bedroom door open, he still felt dizzy and queasy but shuffled onward. Maybe if he tried going around the house, he’d start to recall something or his thoughts might come into order. But really, Jackson should have taken him to the hospital the moment he realised Mark had amnesia. Instead he left someone who was ill and with memory loss alone in the house. Okay, Mark admits he told him to leave, but what idiot actually does that? By the time he comes back Mark could be dead. Whatever. Mark wasn’t even sure if he cared. There was the possibility he would – if only to throw a celebration party and invite the whole neighbourhood.

 

As he grabbed onto the handrail with clammy hands and was about to make his way down the steps, he heard something next to the master bedroom that made his blood run cold.

 

He didn’t remember anything like _that._


	3. Abandon

Running down the street, he could feel the cold wind whipping at his face and it numbed his ears painfully. Luckily, he hadn’t dressed too lightly; finding a sweater and jeans in a wardrobe he assumed to be his. His hands had been shaking so badly it took him six tries to lace up his shoes, and head spinning, he burst out to find Jackson. He didn’t even know where he was. He just didn’t want to be in the house any longer, as irresponsible as it was. Thankfully, he found a pair of house keys on the bedside table and was able to lock the door when he left so no… valuables would be in danger.

 

His feet slapped the pavement with such force, at the speed he was going, that he could feel the shock through the soles of his shoes. Come to think of it, he didn’t even know where Jackson freaking worked. Where would he even work? Feeling stupid, he stopped for a moment, his lungs on fire. After a few seconds he took out his phone and called Jackson, but got no answer. He could have been driving or already be in work and unable to take the call.

 

Fingers shaking, he was reluctant to call anyone else. The phone was about to drop from his hands for how much they were jerking around with nerves. At that moment, a hand rested on his shoulder and he pulled free, fear buzzing through his system like electricity as he batted away the stranger and lost balance in the process, falling promptly on the ground in front of them.

 

“…Woah.” A familiar voice said, its owner putting their hands up to show submission. “Someone’s had too much caffeine. What’s wrong with you?”

 

Despite the faint annoyance in the man’s voice, tears sprang to Mark’s eyes. For his defence, this was possibly the least perturbing reaction he’d gotten all day from anyone.

 

“Jinyoung!” He cried happily, trembling like a leaf in the wind. Practically bowling him over, he was jubilant until… Jinyoung pushed him away with a look that spelled disgust with a capital D.

 

“Babe, are you alright?” Coming to join his side was Jaebum, though to Mark’s surprise and relief, the look that he gave the redhead was one of… affection? From what he could tell of the coy smile, it was not hostile or insincere.

 

Turning on his heel, Jinyoung curled his lip and said, “Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks.”

 

As they began to leave and Jaebum waved goodbye (it sent Mark right over the moon), he had to call out for them to stop. They did, and panting, he asked, “Where does Jackson work?”

 

“Is that an attempt at a joke?” Jinyoung scoffed.

 

Tears running down his face in hurt, Mark shook his head, angry at the accusation. “No!” Rubbing away the salt from his eyes with his sleeves angrily. “I have lost my memories. Jackson left me in the house alone and I panicked so I came to find him.”

 

In a flash, Jaebum was at his side helping him up with a kind touch. “Don't cry.” He comforted him. “Did that bird brain actually abandon you in the house like that?” He muttered, partly to himself. “I’ll have to give him a good talking to.”

 

“Yah.” Throwing his hat at Jaebum, Jinyoung chastised him, “You think you’re batman? Mark,” He switched his attention, putting a soft hand on Mark’s. “You’re serious? We have to get you to the hospital. As much as you’ve done you’re still human… how much do you know?”

 

“It seems that there’s a whole five years at least that I don’t know at all. Other than that, what I do know is all wrong.” He offered, infinitely glad at the sympathy he was being shown all of a sudden. “But I want to see Jackson first.” He added quickly. “I have to talk to him.”

 

Relenting, Jaebum said, “Fine. His office isn’t too far of a car ride from here, so we’ll take you to him and then let you off.”

 

Sitting on the leather seat of Jaebum’s car, Mark could feel his heart pounding fast. There was no way… and this was strange. For the past five years, he couldn’t recall anything. But how come everyone looked older than he did? Not that they appeared old, but he looked younger compared to them. Strangely, time seemed to have frozen around him and him only. Well, that wasn’t his greatest worry. Maybe it was some Korean skin cream in the end. At the front of his mind was, well, the fact that it was rather empty of a good chunk of his life. Those five years appeared to have been eventful to say the least.

 

When they pulled up outside the tall building, Mark was stunned. The thing itself was a beautiful piece of architecture, with glass floor to ceiling windows on every level on this humongous skyscraper and a capsule elevator on the side of the building. Each window had a flower basket of some sort with greenery and flora spilling out of it, vines and leaves hanging from the windows delightfully. Most unexpected of all was the name in huge gilt letters at the midway: Wang PLC.

 

“He _owns_ the company? No actual way.” Stupefied, Mark turned to Jaebum for answers.

 

“He started it after we broke up. At first it was a small investment company and you guys were eating cup noodles for a long while. You could barely afford to pay for the wedding. Heck, the dress was half paid for. It had to be done in instalments. But, the company grew. Very, very big.” Sighing, Jaebum gave him a small smile as the car came to a stop. “You stuck by him.”

 

Dumbfounded, Mark unbuckled his seatbelt. So was he nice to Jackson or not? If he wasn’t, and didn’t love him, then why sit through all those rough times? Opening the car door, he breathed in the fresh air and turned to wait for Jaebum to get out. Jinyoung would have to wait in the car, then when they were ready they’d text him and he would come to pick them up at the lobby again.

 

Walking past fountains and chandeliers and on marble floors, Mark was still awestruck. It was unbelievable to think that much money could be made in five years…

 

Taking in the look on Mark’s face, Jaebum said, “You know, when things were tough, your parents passed away and you got quite a big inheritance.” He measured the look on Mark’s face, and instantly regretted verging on the topic, but now he’d have to finish his point. “You liquidated everything and put all your money into this. The last thing you had to sell to put food on the table… was your mother’s jewellery. You aren’t a bad person, Mark.”

 

The news hit him like a truck. His parents were dead too and he had nothing left of them. Fantastic. Crumpling in on himself, he could feel the grief washing over him like a tidal wave. If Jaebum hadn’t helped him, he probably would have collapsed.

 

“Crap, I forgot. I’m sorry.” Jaebum said, remorseful. “As soon as I said it, I knew I shouldn’t have. Come on, upstairs.”

 

Pulling him into the lift, Jaebum cradled Mark’s head in his chest as he wailed and pressed the button for the top floor. When they got there, the secretary greeted them with a strange look and opened her mouth to ask if they had an appointment with the CEO but all Jaebum had to do was point to the stricken Mark, who had turned to look at her momentarily, and she quickly ran to notify Jackson.

 

“Honey!” Jackson exclaimed as Jaebum entered the chic office, with Mark in tow. Within a second he had taken Mark from Jaebum’s arms and was holding him, patting his back and soothing him, but it felt forced. Like he was being made to put his hand in the maw of a rabid dog.

 

Jerking away, Mark shouted tearfully, “Stop touching me like that!” At the look of hurt and fear, he felt smaller and mumbled, “It’s nothing. Look, Jackson, I’m petrified. And I’m petrified that the most important person in my life… can’t bear to touch me. I’m confused, alright?” After a pause. “What’s her name?”

 

“Huh?” Jackson was taken aback. “Mark, are you okay - ”

 

“Jesus, I’m losing my mind right now! Jackson,” He fell into his arms crying, balling his fists into the fabric of his husband’s suit.

 

 

“What is the name of our child?”


	4. Scandal

The hospital stank of death and disinfectant, giving Mark a worse headache than he had before. Now he was in a waiting room, while Jaebum and Jinyoung flanked him in the chairs beside. Looking at his watch, Jinyoung tried to appear nonchalant and uninterested in what had happened up in the building.

 

Doctors and nurses ran up and down the halls, sometimes pushing stretchers and drip stand hurriedly, the wheels squealing as they raced away. The occasional patient would pass by too, wandering the halls almost soullessly. 

 

Once inside the pristine room, he was left alone with a doctor who prodded and poked him with cold hands. Test after test was run, and for some the doctor took him away to other rooms, or told him the results would be back later and he’d have to rest.

 

“Let’s see, I have your patient record here.” She said, scanning the document. “So we know that you’re pregnant - ”

 

“What?” Mark called, falling off the bed. Great. His mind was about to burst from the stress and sudden important life events he was being told about. Everything around him began to go dark, and he was unsure if anything was real. Well, the crippling pain in his chest, the short breaths, the trembling hands; surely that was real? “I c-can’t breathe.” He choked out.

 

“Mark, calm down. You can get through this.” She said steadily. “Stay with me, concentrate on breathing. Do you take medicine for this?”

 

He jerked his head back and forth.

 

“Good job. What you’re feeling is scary, but it’s not dangerous, okay? You’re doing great. I want you to find two things in this room you can touch. Stay in the present. Alright, now two you can taste. What can you smell?” After a beat or two, she asked him to count down from 100 with her. “You’re amazing, you’re doing wonderful. Do you need anything?”

Again he shook his head and wiped the tears from his eyes, still struggling to inhale and exhale with shaky breaths. He was calmer now, thanks to her support. She asked him to lie down and was ready to steady him just in case, and after a long while of her praising him and going through numbers, he was better, just shaken. The aftermath always left him sore from crying and the ache in his chest would recede, but remain in spirit. A long while passed where he just kept his eyes fixed on the ceiling, not wanting to comprehend any of what he had been told all day. Not about his parents or having Jackson dread him or even this baby.

 

On the bright side, maybe being pregnant was why he couldn’t keep anything down, so he had an answer for that. Go figure. Kneading his hands idly, he made a mental note to throw something else at Jackson later. Couldn’t the lecher keep his hands off him for ten seconds? Eventually, the doctor began to resume her tests, but she was careful and gentle and made sure only to start when he was completely okay, two hours later. All the checks and time spent waiting on his own blended into monotonous, dull hours. It was really infuriatingly boring.

 

As the sun outside began to sink into the horizon and the sky was dyed in orange and pink streaks, he was worried. Were Jinyoung and Jaebum still outside? He really didn’t want to keep them waiting. After a while, the doctor gave him a final report.

 

“You don’t have anything we tested you for. Low thyroid function, liver and kidney disease, strokes or blood clots and bleeding within the brain, nothing. You don’t even have a history of these things.” She noted on her clipboard. “You haven’t had any head injuries, after examining. Tell me, have you been diagnosed with any concomitant psychiatric illness?”

 

He confessed, “Depression and anxiety.”

 

“Let me check if that matches up with your data.” She said, leafing through the pages. “Aaand there it is. Mr Tuan, your husband will have to keep a close eye on you. I’d advise you get a therapist. Also, at home, he should leave doors open and label them for you, make sure you cannot lock yourself in anywhere, avoid leaving you alone, put important numbers by the phone… that sort of thing. I’ll have someone ring him up to inform him. Big information should be avoided at the moment, your mind can’t cope with all this. I’m sorry for telling you, but it’s important to know.”

 

When he emerged, he was startled to find Jaebum still waiting, sipping on a cup of coffee in the same spot. Meanwhile, Jinyoung was gone. Apparently, he’d gone to collect their daughter from primary school, then went home to free the babysitter from the evil twins. Mark was flabbergasted that they also had had kids, but then a small part of him chided that it was only natural. However, Jinyoung being gone meant they would have to take public transport since the car wasn’t Jaebum’s at all, it was actually his.

 

“You’d thinksince we’re a married couple, we’d share the car.” Jaebum griped, tossing his cup into the trash. “You know, the whole ‘it’s not yours or mine, it’s ours~’ shebang, but no, not from Jinyoung. Do you have a bus card?” At the look he got, he shook his head and fished around in his wallet. “Sorry. Stupid of me to ask. But it’s alright, I’ve got extras – Jinyoung has a million different ones for no real reason. Here you go.”

 

He handed over a white coloured one, which on one side had a sticker depicting GOT7 pasted on. Pangs of sadness shot right to Mark’s heart, and he clutched it so tight in his hand that by the time the bus arrived and he had to reposition it to scan the thing, it left indentations on his palm and fingers. He caught a glance at Jaebum’s, which seemed to be his wedding photo. Sentimental. The tall man did look extremely dashing, with a beautiful Jinyoung hanging off his arm, a model’s grin plastered on his face. Gorgeous as always.

 

As they clambered on, Jaebum took his hand in a tender grip that sent a flush of red across Mark’s cheeks and led him to the back of the bus, settling down snugly next to him in the far corner. The bus spluttered to life after everyone was on and chugged onward, the seats beneath the two of them vibrating from the engine.

 

“I really hope you’re okay.” Jaebum stared deep into his eyes, and he looked so troubled he was falling apart.

 

Touched by the dedication Jaebum was putting in to helping him, Mark scanned his face and found himself admiring his chiseled looks. Turning away slightly, he shook it off and was about to thank him when an arm slid around his back to caress him. That was a cross between strange and familiar. This kind of affection was rife in the band but Jinyoung seemed the jealous type, and their faces were awfully close.

 

 Well, he was just about to shrug it off as normal, when Jaebum said, “God, I love you so much.”

 

Tucking a finger under a wide-eyed Mark’s chin, he pulled him up into a passionate kiss. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a few paragraphs shorter today but I felt like that was a good place to leave it <3 Hope everyone is enjoying it so far! <3 :D hope you all have a lovely week~ Will update soon!


	5. Reconcile

Mayhem was what greeted Jackson when he got home. Mark was crying and throwing pillows at the door – not too hard in case he broke something – and then going to pick them up and put them back. How fulfilling that could be he had no idea; normally people would throw things in a fit to release annoyance but he’d never seen it done with such care. In fact, he pulled back to pelt a medium-sized square one at Jackson as he entered, but didn’t have it in his to follow through with the motion. Defeated, he threw it onto the couch. Then went to straighten it up.

 

“Are you alright?” He verged, wary of his unstable wife.

 

Mark looked away. Not just that, he _turned_ away. He was unable to meet Jackson’s gaze, not after what happened on the bus.

 

                                                          -----------------------------------

 

Okay, so he admitted he melted into the kiss for a moment. Then Jackson, their daughter, the baby inside him, they all stood looking disappointed at him in his mind, and his heart sank. Alarmed, he shoved Jaebum off him and wiped his mouth roughly with his sleeve.

 

“W-what do you think you’re doing?” He demanded, furious. He wanted to run, but he also wanted the truth. And besides, the bus hadn’t even stopped yet.

 

Hurt, Jaebum opened his mouth to offer an explanation, but stopped and reconsidered. Finally, he said, “I should have known you wouldn’t remember but…” Turning away, he touched his lip gingerly. “Five years.” He murmured to himself.

 

At long last, Mark could see the bus station coming up and pushed past Jaebum, nearly tripping over the other man’s legs. He barely managed to grab onto the handrail to save himself but fell to his knees. Letting Jaebum’s questions as to what he was doing fall on deaf ears, he lurched to the front of the bus like a drunkard, tears stinging his eyes. A quivering finger pressed the stop button frantically, rewarding him with dirty looks from all the other passengers. Crap, Jaebum was getting out of his seat to follow. Rummaging through his pockets, he found only a little pouch and launched it at Jaebum’s head without much second thought. That stopped him in his tracks. Mark would have loved to stick around and see the _baluku_ that would form but he really had to go before the effect wore off. Serves him right.

 

Shuddering to a stop, the doors of the bus creaked open and as soon as there was a gap big enough, he slipped through. Wheezing pathetically as the scenery blurred past him, he could hear Jaebum shouting his name far away, but that only made him run faster.

 

When he came to a stop in a pretty little square, the realisation dawned that he had no idea where he was. Stranded and feeling hopeless, he sat down on a bench opposite the statue in the centre and fumbled for his phone to call Jackson or someone else. Fear spiked in his heart as he recognised that it wasn’t there.

 

“Argh I’m so stupid!” He hit his head hard a few times with the palm of his hand, feeling the ache afterward. Sniffling, he really regretted throwing the pouch at Jaebum like that. His phone was inside, he forgot Jackson moved it while he was in the office and added some money. With the phone, he had the chance of calling a taxi and finding his address, then paying for it with the money; or calling Jackson to come and pick him up.

 

Following hours of wandering around, he found himself getting desperate. He didn’t even know the street or the name of the apartment building for sure, and it was getting quite late. The streetlights had flicked on and the last of the sunlight for the day was fizzling out, the sky becoming a dark blue.

 

Just then, a nice old couple saw him crying, sitting by the roadside. The old woman wiped his tears away gently and asked him what was wrong. When they found that he was lost, they began to ask all sorts of questions and he found himself telling them that he was married to the CEO of Wang PLC and that he lived with Mr Jackson Wang.

 

“Oh, why didn’t you tell us that sooner?” The old woman chortled. “That building is ginormous. I think I know where it might be, come with us and we’ll drive you. Our car isn’t too far away.”

 

Once they got to the building, Mark thanked them profusely and went inside. When he asked some of the staff about how to get home, they told him to wait outside in the lobby and that Mr Wang’s chauffeur would drop him off. Of course, the lady assisting him looked a bit puzzled as to how he was surprised about the chauffeur, and how he didn’t even know where he lived nor had his phone or any money, but was unable to ask for professionalism.

 

On his way out, he took a handful of sweets from the bowl, feeling hungry, and many business cards. The lady at the desk also handed him some flowers and a humongous box of chocolates, saying it was from Jackson’s parents to congratulate them on the baby. While waiting, he glimpsed the old couple still waiting outside and hurriedly took the flowers, some candies and a business card with him to meet them.

 

“Ah, there you are! We didn’t want to leave until we knew for sure you were okay.” Mr Gwon, the old man said brightly. “Did you manage to arrange a way home? If not, we can drive you there if you can find out where you live. It’s dangerous for a lovely young man like you to be walking around this time of night, and it’s freezing too.”

 

Touched by this kindness, Mark said warmly, “I’m alright. Thank you both so much.”

 

This was the best thing that had happened to him since he woke up, basically. Tentatively, he handed over the huge bouquet of flowers and the candy with a smile, refusing to take them back when Mrs Gwon modestly declined and attempted to return the gift, saying she simply couldn’t accept it because she only did what was right. Ultimately, she took them and thanked him as he handed over the business card, letting her know that if she ever needed anything, she would just have to call him or his husband.

 

They waved goodbye as they got into their car, and at that moment, a sleek black car pulled up and someone ran out to open the door for him. Sighing happily to be out of danger, he climbed in and settled down, content.

 

                                                                                                                   ------------------

 

Initially when he arrived home he wasn’t angry but the thought of what happened made his blood boil, especially after tending to the crying Yueniang, giving her dinner and putting her to bed. Luckily Youngjae had dropped by to take care of her during the day after getting a call from Jaebum (it seemed he did this just after bumping into Mark). He left as soon as Mark came back, just pulled on his coat and brushed right past him without a word, ignoring him completely.

 

So this left him throwing pillows half-heartedly, when he wasn’t screaming into them; so as not to wake up Yueniang. Apprehensive, Jackson crossed over and put a hand lightly on Mark’s shoulder. From a distance. Under normal circumstances, Mark would have pushed him away, but he knew how delicate their relationship was and instead moved to let Jackson’s arm drop limply back to his side.

 

“Jackson… do you really love me?” He broke the silence, the wavering question hitting it like a hammer through glass.

 

And what got him was the sudden conviction in Jackson’s eyes as he crossed over and embraced Mark, careful at first, but then tightly and full of love so the only thing Mark could smell was soap and aftershave, Jackson’s scent. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Jackson, tears sliding down his burning cheeks from reprieve but also from guilt. Guilt over how he could ever have treated Jackson badly, including the incident that evening with Jaebum. If only he could stay in Jackson’s arms forever.

 

“I do.” Jackson said in a voice that shattered into a million different tones, every shard of sheer sadness. “I swear I do.”

 

 


	6. Present

Running down the beach with Yueniang, Mark had to admit things were going better than normal for him, which he was thankful for. Her little hand gripped his with so much strength and love as they lolloped along together, it warmed his heart. This little girl that he didn’t remember. Halfway down the expanse of pure white sand, the family spotted an ice cream shack and stopped to get some.

 

Watching Yueniang eat her ice cream joyfully (with a little help from daddy), Mark took Jackson’s hand and squeezed it, trying to ignore the pain in his heart when Jackson jumped at the touch. Leaning over, he gave him a peck on the lips and pulled away smiling at him. He wanted to take advantage of what he had been given.

 

Yueniang was a beautiful little girl, with a dainty nose and big dewy eyes, rose petal lips and full eyebrows; her pale porcelain skin opposite to her silky black hair and complement to her doll-like appearance. Mark could see bits of both himself and Jackson in her, the way she moved and laughed, her stunning looks. All of a sudden his heart swelled with pride, this was his baby.

 

“Jackson,” He spoke up then. “I really love you.”

 

Smiling, Jackson replied, “I love you too.”

 

Chewing on his bottom lip fretfully, Mark had the nagging feeling he should ask Jackson something, but couldn’t gather the courage to do it. He had a look through the photo albums while Jackson slept, pulled them from the cupboard and blew the dust off their covers. Everything seemed off to him, different somehow. Other things were quite obviously foreign to him, like certain events and new songs he didn’t know about. ‘I Like You’ was missing, and so was their hit ‘Just Right’. The songs were a bit more heavy, talking about love and lust and unfaithfulness, which made him blush to the core thinking about Jaebum. Then there were all the wedding photos and baby pictures.

 

Actually, Yueniang had really been upset the other day at them leaving her alone like that. According to what Jackson told him that night, Youngjae had trouble with her throwing tantrums and screaming that she see her mommy right then and there. She cried and cried until her throat was raw and her eyes were red and it took him forever to convince her to eat her food. The guilt crouched on his shoulders, whispering in his ears all the things he didn’t want to hear and weighing him down.

 

“Honey,” He tugged on his sleeve. “I’m confused.”

 

“Why?” Jackson asked.

 

“You see, my memories stop at five years before this date. So to me, this is five years into the future.” He explained. “But there’s a lot that is different to the years I should know. I remember all those years clearly, and even things like certain tours and stages and popular songs of ours are all different. Neither was I in any kind of relationship with you. This is all new to me.”

 

“Hmm.” The man thought for a moment, befuddled. “Well, they’re probably false memories. Obviously the songs we have and shows we’ve done are real. Don’t worry about it, you lost your memories so things must be messed up in there.”

 

Slouching down into his chair, Mark was lost. There went his sanity. He didn’t even know what was real and what wasn’t anymore.

 

“Mama,” Yueniang tugged on his sleeve suddenly with a grin smeared in chocolate. “Braid hair.”

 

“Sure thing.” He leant forward as she turned around again and slid his fingers into her soft locks, sectioning them out and then weaving them together clumsily. This was harder than expected, and Jackson laughed a little.

 

“You used to be very good at this.” He remarked.

 

Rolling his eyes, Mark said, “Bear with me. In my eyes right now, I’m a new parent.”

Inside, he was exhilarated, drunk on the moment. Here was what he always dreamed about, being married to Jackson with a gorgeous little girl. They even had a comfortable lifestyle, but it looked like their relationship needed work. He frowned and paused with his work. What else could he possibly have wanted? Why would he be nasty to Jackson? And perhaps the relationship between him and Jaebum wasn’t just one-sided… this was all quite distressing.

 

Moreover, he didn’t find his memories fuzzy at all. They were clear, concise. Just like they had always been. The other day he was watching a horror-comedy movie with the rest of GOT7 and Bambam’s little whines of terror, Jackson laughing obnoxiously and then the tickle fight that somehow ensued afterward. He even fell from the couch and hit his chest on the corner of the coffee table, which hurt a lot.

 

Curious, he lifted his shirt, heart jack-hammering in his chest like it was trying to burst through his ribcage. There was a bruise, in the exact same spot. His blood ran cold.

 

“Honey?” His husband probed, a bit bewildered over Mark lifting up his shirt like that on the beach all of a sudden.

 

Snapping out of it, he mumbled quickly, “I’m fine. It’s nothing.”

 

It could just have been his imagination. In the end, it was only a bruise. Although… he didn't feel like he lost his memories. He felt like he was living someone else’s life, like the real Mark from wherever this was would burst in any moment and break a chair over his head. Everything was so abstract and bizarre compared to what he knew, but mostly it centred on his behaviour too. What would he ever have done to the people who mattered most to him to make them curse the sight of him like that?

 

For the rest of the day he was in a daze, and they arrived back in the afternoon to let Yueniang take a nap while they got some rest themselves. Jackson didn’t want him straining himself between the baby and losing his memories, which he kept assuring would come back soon, but he seemed both pleased and cagey that no conflicts had occurred between them; like any moment, as soon as he was calm and comfortable, Mark would blow up more violent than he ever had been before.

 

As they lay down, Mark rolled over in the fluffy sheets to face Jackson, touching their foreheads together gently. Jackson’s firm hands wandered to Mark’s hip, resting there. For a long time they lay there in silence, Mark cupping Jackson’s cheek with a tender hand.

 

Then, Mark began to sing quietly, “You’re not flashy but you softly glow like the moon in the night sky.” Jackson’s deep brown eyes widened slightly, and a smile came to play on his lips. “Like the flowers in the field, you seem plain but you’re special.” With that he stroked his husband’s cheek lovingly. “Like a gem that can be seen to people who know.” On the last sentence, he kissed him, full of care and adoration, like it was their very first.

 

Grabbing Mark and pulling him close, Jackson kissed him passionately, their mouths shifting and melding against each other with desire, enflamed. After a long while, they broke apart to come up for air, and Mark began to giggle cheerfully. Dragging Mark down to rest his head snuggled into Jackson’s chest, the Hong Kong native smiled like Mark hadn’t seen him do since he woke up.

 

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever loved you more.” Jackson said, his voice sweet and low.

 

Nuzzling his husband, Mark took Jackson’s hand and placed it on his stomach, moving it around in circles slowly. The two of them made eye contact and cracked sheepish smiles, then held each other tighter. There was no bump there yet, but that was okay. It was still early.

 

At that moment, the phone rang on the bedside table and both offered to get up and answer it, but in the end Jackson persuaded his pregnant wife to wait for him while he quickly told them he was busy. But when he answered it, a white-hot knife of fear stabbed through his gut.

 

“Hello, Mr Wang, this is Doctor Chen. There’s something about Mark’s pregnancy you need to know.” There was the static crackle and hiss of the phone line for a moment before she continued.

 

“Don’t tell him yet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone is enjoying so far! All the people in the comments are remarkable~ You're all lovely people and very supportive! I'd like to thank everyone. You all just make my day <3 sweethearts~ By the way, I wanted to add that Yueniang means Lady of the Moon ^^ pretty right? <3


	7. Visitor

Sitting on the couch flicking through the channels on the TV aimlessly, the young man yawned. Jackson was in the kitchen, making dinner (he insisted). Also, he’d been very out of it the whole day, and couldn’t seem to make eye contact with Mark. He kept glancing at Mark’s stomach and then turning away quickly, with a dismayed look on his face.

 

As suspicious as that was, Mark couldn’t say anything yet. Perhaps Jackson was having second thoughts about all of this, or he was simply worried. He expected this was the normal behaviour that Jackson might give, out of concern. On his lap, Yueniang gurgled happily as she played with her toys, speaking to them in broken words and gibberish.

 

“Oh, you’ll like this!” He perked up as he found a children’s show for her to watch.

 

She did enjoy it, but Mark became pretty engrossed as well. When Jackson came out from the kitchen with the steaming plates of food he had to crack a smile at the sight of Mark, his eyes completely glazed over in his concentration as he followed the motions of the dance with his arms, swaying them in sync with his daughter to the jolly tune.

 

“Now everybody clap your hands!” A weird character with a scarily wide grin prompted.

 

Mark actually clapped along, and Jackson had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. Setting the plates down on the glass dining table, he called them to come and eat. In fact, it took two or three times for how absorbed they both were, to finally drag them to the table. Mark whined nearly as much as Yueniang did, their pouting faces a perfect match.

 

Drawing a mahogany chair out, Mark took his place at the table after helping to seat Yueniang in her high chair. He was about to take a bite of his food when she pulled on his sleeve and said, “Mama, milk! Yueniang hungry.” Placing his spoon back down on the plate, he gave Jackson a questioning look, confused.

 

“She’s still on milk.” Jackson offered with a shrug. “I mean, she takes solids, but she’s on milk. These past few days I’ve been bottle-feeding her with formula, but you might as well. You’d still be producing it anyways, since she’s continued to feed.”

 

Tentatively, Mark looked down at his chest. No chance in hell. Flushing a tomato red, he got up and left to stand in the kitchen doorway, his back to them. Unbuttoning his shirt halfway, he squeezed a nipple embarrassedly. Nothing came out. He tried a few more times on both sides and squinted to see, but it was absolutely dry.

 

“Um, Jackson, we have a problem.” He called, and Jackson put his fork down, swallowing what he’d been chewing on.

 

Coming up behind him, he gently turned Mark to face him and asked, “Is anything wrong? Have you run out?” Mark nodded silently. “But that’s not likely… Why suddenly…” Chewing his lip, he suddenly blanched and released Mark’s shoulders quickly. “Ah.” His eyebrows furrowed and his gaze became pained.

 

“What is it?” He said, so quiet it was almost a whisper. His eyes searched Jackson’s, but his husband refused to look at him.

 

Moving away, Jackson returned to his seat and resumed eating. He paused just as he brought the fork up to his mouth, glancing sidelong at Mark’s stomach again before stopping. He set it back down on his plate and then took it with him as he stalked straight-faced back to the kitchen past Mark and emptied it into the bin.

 

Dying to ask what was wrong, Mark tried to touch him but was quickly swatted away. Hastily, Jackson looked up at him to see the hurt look on his face and guiltily mumbled an apology, ducking out once more. A few moments later, Mark could hear the thump-thump-thump of Jackson running up the stairs and then a door slammed.

 

Dinner was quiet. Mark swept through all the cupboards and managed to discover the baby bottles and formula, stirring it up but worried that maybe Yueniang liked it a certain way. He wouldn’t know. It wasn’t as if Jackson told him. Obediently, almost as if she knew how stressed her mama was already, Yueniang gulped down the milk and then ate every mouthful of food Mark spoon-fed to her.

 

Placed on the carpet and watching the TV again, Yueniang was mostly silent as Mark ate his own dinner. It took him two hours to get through it, and it was chillingly cold by then but he just absentmindedly pushed it around on his plate, occasionally forcing some of it down his throat.

 

As he was washing up dejectedly, almost like a ghost in how detached he was, the doorbell rang and gave him a fright. Shoving the plates aside, he ran to the door yelling, “Coming!”

 

Undoing the latch, he was about to turn the doorknob when it swung open to reveal Bambam standing there with his arms crossed, forefinger tapping his arm impatiently. Sauntering in, he ignored Mark and Yueniang and just began randomly wandering around like he owned the place.

 

“Bambam?” The redhead ventured as the other boy turned over a small crystal Swarovski statue that sat in the middle of the table, inspecting it indifferently.

 

Not even acknowledging him properly, Bambam asked in a cool voice, “Where’s Jackson?”

 

“Upstairs.” He returned timidly, hoping Bambam couldn’t hear the falter in his voice, how it crept an octave higher.

 

Sneering, the Thai suddenly took a few wide steps toward him, closing the gap easily so they were nose to nose. “So, you’ve lost your memories, huh? For once it isn’t just a ploy at attention.” He spat, and Mark shrank, backing up against the wall. “You want answers?” Before Mark could answer, his eyes glistening with tears, Bambam continued, “Well, let me tell you. You’re the biggest bitch I’ve ever met, Mark Tuan. And none of this will ever change that.” Jabbing him in the chest threateningly, Bambam clenched his free hand. “I blame you for what happened to GOT7.  You dragged all of us down with you. But don’t worry, if you steal my man,” He smiled then, icy cold. “Then karma’s just going to hurt, now isn’t it?”

 

Winded, Mark collapsed to the ground. He hadn’t even seen Bambam winding up to strike, punching him hard in the stomach. In the background, Yueniang was crying and ran to her mother as Bambam stormed out. Everything was blurry and he couldn’t breathe.

 

“Jackson!” He screamed, his throat hoarse.

 

The world around him was going dark, and the pain was almost suffocating. Breaths coming short and shallow, he closed his eyes, just wanting it all to end. He could feel Yueniang’s little hands holding his, and something wet on the back of his hand. Oh, he understood. She was crying over him. Panicking as he slipped away, the only thing he could think of was the baby. He had no coherent thoughts, only shrieks of terror and images of his beautiful, little baby.

 

Something warm enveloped him, and as he was being pulled up, he grasped he was in Jackson’s arms. Heaving for air like a fish on dry land, he could barely register the words of comfort Jackson was giving him, and only just able to comprehend the instructions he provided. After a while of monotonous counting and whatnot, his burning lungs were able to inhale slowly, then exhale. The agony seizing his chest subsided. The choking sensation faded away.

 

“What happened?” Jackson asked him tearfully, holding him and refusing to let go. It was torture to see Mark like this.

 

Breathless, he was solely able to say, “Bambam.” Rapidly, he gripped Jackson’s arm, his pupils blown wide with fear and adrenaline. “The baby!”

 

Jackson’s hold of him went tense, like he was made of concrete, and Mark buried his face into his shoulder to cry. “Please tell me they’ll be okay…” He whimpered, but Jackson offered no answer.

 

“Mark,” He said forlornly, but solemn as a judge announcing their verdict.

 

“There’s no need to worry about the baby.”

 

 


	8. Bygone Love

Sipping on the steaming hot chocolate, he pulled back as it burned the tip of his tongue. Watching quietly, Jackson leant forward and pulled the blanket tighter around his wife, but instead of letting go, he stayed with the tip of his nose touching Mark’s they were so close.

 

Closing his eyes, he sighed, “There’s a lot I want to tell you, but I can’t.” Shuffling back again and sinking into the couch, he added, “And… I’m a bit afraid.” Eyes widened, he put a hand over his mouth like he shouldn’t have said that. Darn it… he was afraid though. Gaze flitting to Mark for a second, his heart warmed. This Mark was kinder, but it might have been because he was more unsure. Of course Mark never would have been rude to a stranger, had he been in a situation he didn’t fully understand, but suddenly Mark had a much gentler air to him. Perhaps keeping him out of the know was good for another reason: if he regained his memories, he could end up back to normal. And that was the last thing Jackson wanted.

 

“Please, Jackson,” Mark’s doe eyes watered again as he kept turning his attention to the door. “I want to go to the hospital.” Coarsely, he wiped the tears away as they fell. “I’m worried about the baby.”

 

Shaking his head, Jackson told him, “If you went, they’d check your file or refer you to our normal doctor. And once they know you have amnesia, they wouldn’t tell you anything about the baby or its condition.”

 

Sobbing, he had no will to talk anymore. To begin with he was a quiet person, but he’d always spoken to Jackson the most. Now, he no longer felt like it. Instead, every word felt like it wasn’t his, tumbling numbly out of his mouth. No matter where he went or who he was with, he was lonely. It was like being a stranger in a train station overseas. He understood nobody, understood nothing. He was simply lost. A long time ago, that happened once, when GOT7 were travelling. After hours, he began to panic and was extremely afraid. The manager had his passport and he didn’t have a phone, nor did he remember their numbers on his own. If he didn’t find them in the next hour, he’d miss the flight.

 

Flopping down onto the floor of the station, he bawled his eyes out as every other person tried to help him but to no avail. Blurry vision swayed right and left, only seeing strangers and walls plastered in foreign tongues. He didn’t even speak their language, and they didn’t speak his, so they couldn’t do very much for him. All hope seemed lost as his throat became raw, his eyes stung and his cheeks throbbed with heat, but then suddenly he was in somebody’s arms. He knew instantly they were Jackson’s. And just then, at that moment, everything seemed right in the world. At the time, he thought the feeling he had was hope, that nothing bad would ever happen again, because Jackson was there for him. Now, he understood that was just naivety.

 

“Jackson, this is driving me crazy.” He mumbled, slumping to his side. “I know nothing, and that isn’t even much of an exaggeration.”

 

Jackson offered no response, smoothing out his clothes before getting up. The phone in the pocket of his expensive jeans began to vibrate, and picking it up, he whispered into the receiver before pelting away again. Drained, Mark couldn’t even care whatever else Jackson wanted to keep from him. One more drop of withheld information in the multitude that made up an ocean made absolutely no lick of difference to him. It could have been important work, or the doctor again, or even an affair. Yet, at the last one, he felt like his heart was burning, with an intense, agonising pain. Putting a pale hand up to where it thrummed faithfully, he knew that was the only thing he could rely on.

 

After a while of moping and deep thought accompanied by the sound of the radio, he heard the closet underneath the stairs slam as Jackson pulled his coat on. Snapping into action, he put the cup on the table and lay down, pulling the blanket over him and pretending to be asleep. Apparently, doing so to avoid speculation was not necessary because Jackson flew right by without even sparing so much as a glance. Once he was gone, Mark sat up groggily and rubbed his hands together, just to make sure he was really real, because the way Jackson behaved sometimes, it was quite easy to be convinced otherwise.

 

Upstairs, Yueniang was sleeping soundly. Doubt crept into Mark’s heart, wrenching and twisting it awfully. Why would Jackson even have a call this late from work? And if it was from the doctor, it would have to be important, so why not tell Mark? Unease took quickly to his mind, and he knew this wouldn’t bode well for him. Trying to distract himself, he grabbed the cup and took a sip. _Rational thoughts_ , he told himself, _think rational, happy thoughts_.

 

For god’s sake, all the happy thoughts he could think of were about Jackson and GOT7, and that just rubbed salt into the wound. Those happiest times were now the saddest things he could think of, and they cut him deeper than anything else. His mind wandered to the thought of his family, but he fiercely shoved that away. He couldn’t handle that news right now, or he’d go berserk.

 

Heaving a sigh, he dragged himself off the couch and began to make his way up the stairs. As soon as he did it, he remembered his mother’s nagging voice telling him not to sigh, that he would lose his _qi_ by doing so. Immediately, his throat choked up and he had to swallow the hard grief back down again. He felt bad, not paying any respect to her memory, but he really couldn’t deal with it.

 

In the stylish bedroom he shared with Jackson, he sat on his side of the bed and noticed there was a bedside table. Going through the second to fourth drawers, he found bits and bobs, and they were stuffed to the brim with things ranging from thumb drives to boxes of mints to mini stuffed toys and measuring tapes. One of them had tons of red packets left over from events like Chinese New Year and birthdays and so on, and they were all empty except a stack that had been rubber-banded and were unopened.

 

Turning them over, he found that in marker pen, somebody had written ‘Congratulations, you two lovebirds! Take care of my younger brother properly, you hear? Prosper~’. Ah, at the bottom, his elder sister Grace signed off her name in lovely handwriting and a long stream of xo’s. His siblings were most likely still around, and he made a note to see them soon. But it bothered him, they were in so much financial trouble yet he had never ever brought himself to touch these? He would rather have sold his mother’s jewellery than use the wedding _hongbaos_ he got, which likely in total would have contained a grand sum?

 

Geez, he confused himself more and more everyday. Still, that left the top drawer, which was locked tightly shut. Where would he hide keys? Somewhere Jackson might not look, if this Mark wasn’t very close to him. Scouring the room, he turned up nothing until he went down to the kitchen for a glass of water. Suddenly, as he looked up at the sound of the fan creaking, his eye caught the top of the cupboards, and he had an idea.

 

 Getting up on a chair, he reached around all the corners and checked the plant pots that rested up there. Underneath, they were clear. Lifting them out of the gleaming fine porcelain pots they nested in to catch extra water, he went down the line and in the second last one, he found a little, rusted key.

 

Heart pounding with excitement, he nearly fell off the chair in his hurry to remove it and put the pot back. In a split second, he was up the stairs and in the bedroom again, locking the door behind him. Nervous and chewing his bottom lip vigorously, he fumbled with the key to unlock the mysterious drawer.

 

The mahogany slid open to reveal dust collected all to the sides and bottom, but placed carefully in the centre and pristine clean, there lay a cassette tape and an old tape recorder. Lifting out the tape recorder carefully, he inspected it every which way before making sure he knew he had the play button. He was reluctant to press something wrong and accidentally botch his investigation by destroying the recording.

 

After a few seconds, the tape spun inside and cracking silence followed. Then, yelling in austere, old Mandarin resounded, and try as he did, he was unable to make out what they were saying. His Mandarin wasn’t good enough. But in a moment, they gave way to string instruments playing the prelude to a song.

 

After the first line or two, tears came bubbling up in him and he let out sad little choking sobs, recognising it as the velvet, melancholy-filled voice of Leslie Cheung. As the song progressed, he had to clamp a hand over his mouth to keep from drowning out the sound of Leslie’s bittersweet tones.

 

Mark was only able to pick out certain words and phrases, but still left so winded by the sheer sadness of both Leslie’s voice, and of the quiet weeping he could hear on the recorder. _Don't speak of the past anymore, there are already too many storms in life. Memories can’t be wiped away; love and hate will stay in the heart._  Just that sentence gutted him, and he had to lay the device shakily on the bed because he was trembling so badly he thought he would drop it.

 

_I really have to cut the past, and let tomorrow go on finely, so you should stop trying so hard to find out my whereabouts. Love is a difficult question, it makes one dizzy and mesmerized. Forgetting the pain is perhaps possible, but forgetting you - that's too hard. You haven't truly left, you have always been inside my heart. I still have loving feelings towards you, I'm so helpless with myself._

 

Falling to his side on the bed, he could no longer stifle his cries and began to wail openly. How sad, how sad it all sounded. A song of such sorrow that it could not be expressed nor explained, reflecting upon both a tragic life long since past, and the tragic ending of somebody so wonderful, the heartbreak and loneliness of these entities combined; amplified again by the wrenching, guttural moans that escaped the Mark on the recording, barely able to hold it in.

 

 _Because I still have dreams, I still put you inside my heart._ _I always have to be so easily being moved by things in the past, my heart always has to ache for you._ _Don't wander around in the years of the past, I unintentionally became all tenderly sentimental._ _Do not ask me if we are to meet again, do not question if I'm speaking my true feelings or not._

 

It hit Mark like a truck when a meek, broken voice emerged on the recording, raw with emotion and powerful, more powerful than anything he ever heard. Full of the most bitter tears, it fluttered but never faltered as he sang the words in unison.

 

 _“Why don't you understand? Where there is love, there will be pain.”_ The old Mark, the different Mark sang like summer rain. _“Someday you'll realize that, life isn't so different without me after all.”_ Breaking down, it seemed he was hardly able to continue, but he did, forging on determinedly. “ _Life is already too fast; I'm so afraid that it always has to be filled with tears.”_ In the last line he sang along with, he mustered all of his anguish to create one of the most soul-crushing, emotional things Mark had ever heard.

 

It had every last ounce of everything the other him carried inside, all the fear and regret and pain, and most of all,  his love for Jackson. But it was that kind of love that made you cry, the kind of love where he would be smiling but tears would run down his face resentfully; the kind where he’d laugh for him one last time – right before he killed himself. The kind of love that was so strong it was unforgiving, and it just kept on hurting and hurting and hurting until sacrifices had to be made _._

 

_“Forget me, then there will be no more pain. Leave the past in the wind.”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the depressing chapter guys! <3 
> 
> Also, some backstory for those who don't know, the song is Bygone Love, from Farewell to My Concubine's OST. Here it is::  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGWRoVrBwx8
> 
> Pleeeeeease watch Farewell to My Concubine, it's the best movie of all time but so very tragic. If not, please please read the book <3 Here's a short description just to help you get the feel and meaning behind why Mark might have chosen that song. Warning for suicide mention!
> 
> Leslie Cheung was the actor of Dieyi in Farewell to My Concubine, the main character, and tragically, his life mirrors Dieyi's. Dieyi was gay and dealt with mental illnesses, Leslie was bisexual and dealt with mental illnesses. Sadly, at the end of the story, Dieyi attempts suicide for the third time, cutting his throat with a real sword at the end of the play. He is alone with Xiao Shitou, the man he fell in love with but whom also betrayed him time after time. His suicide is meant to symbolise that as the concubine's last words are that she will not leave, but rather die there so she will remain forever faithful to her King (played by Shitou), Dieyi has the same wish. He will forever love Shitou, and wants to die loving him.
> 
> Years later, Leslie Cheung commits suicide.


	9. Relief

A hand on Mark’s shoulder made him jump and kick out, narrowly missing his would-be assailant… but he was dazed to see Jaebum standing there with his hands up defensively. Apologetically, Jaebum took a step back from him.

 

“I used the keys you gave me a while back.” He said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry. Are you alright?”

 

Embarrassed, Mark wiped the tears from his face. “I’m perfectly fine, okay?”

 

“You’re just the same as always.” Sighing, Jaebum sat down next to him and pulled the delicate boy into his arms. “You hate for people to see you like this."

 

Fighting feebly against the hold, a fresh wave of shudders racked his body as briny pearls rolled down his cheek. He could taste the salt as he balled his fists in the cloth of JB’s shirt and buried his face in it. Soothing him, Jaebum held him tight, the only movement on his part to rub Mark’s back with his thumb.

 

Pausing, he gently kissed the top of Mark’s head and moved his hands to stroke his porcelain cheeks. Futile attempts to resist were made, but ultimately they gave way to the tender affection he was being shown after so long without it.

 

“Jackson thinks you shouldn’t be told anything.” He admitted finally. “But I think that’s bullshit. He’s just being selfish because he prefers you this way. Meek, damaged, not a threat.” Sharp eyes full of even sharper truths, he said, “But I love you in every way. It’s hurting you even more being so lost and without any support from him.” They seemed to cut away the emotional shackles within him, almost as if he was a prisoner and Jaebum wanted to liberate him.

 

“Please,” Mark desperately grabbed onto his shoulders with some force, his fingers gripping into Jaebum. “Tell me why GOT7 disbanded!”

 

Pained, Jaebum averted his gaze. Clearly it wasn’t an easy topic for him, but slowly, he said, “There was a scandal. Mark, you always loved Jackson the best you could, but your attitude didn’t sit well with him. You’re quite feisty and sort of nasty to say the least, and you clash with Bambam like nothing else. He’s also very bad tempered nowadays.”

 

“Why? Why is he so mean?” The Taiwanese implored, with a look on his face as hungry as a starving man. Simply the thought of Bambam’s rudeness seemed to tear him to pieces, and JB took a deep breath before explaining.

 

Back when GOT7 was starting out, Bambam lost his mother. This alone made him withdraw and become sullen, almost unreachable, but it became worse when he released a song he wrote for her years ago but never finished – and was accused of plagiarism. His name was smeared and although he was finally proven innocent, he never trusted anyone again.

 

The final nail in the coffin was when he realised why Jackson had been avoiding him and acting awkward; the day before the news came of his mother’s death, Jackson had broken up with him over a message he never read. Very quickly, Bambam was becoming incredibly irate and difficult to handle; and he directed his sarcasm and anger at anyone he saw. It didn’t help that in his opinion, the other members weren’t respectful enough of his mother’s passing, and the fact that he was a naturally very combustible person.

 

“I never remembered Bambam as being unreasonable.” Furrowing his brow, Mark threw JB a questioning look.

 

“He was and is.” JB expostulated. “Always has been and will be. Perhaps your memory is messed up more than we thought.”

 

“Alright, Bambam and Jackson were dating…” He put a finger on his lip thoughtfully. “That I know. But why does he hate me? And if I’m not a terrible person, why would I hurt Jackson or have done anything to break the group up?”

 

“Hey, we’re getting too close to home now.” Jaebum patted his back. “Sorry, but we need to moderate this. It’s enough for today… anything personal might upset you, so we need to take this slowly in case you have another panic attack.”

 

Begrudgingly, Mark agreed. He didn’t want to upset Jaebum, who was not only the single friendliest person he knew, but someone willing to tell him things no one else would. Anyways, the decisions JB made were in his best interests.

 

“Do you know where Jackson is?” Jaebum asked, and Mark shook his head, only able to describe when Jackson left the house and the circumstances. The handsome man’s eyes widened, and he immediately looked spiteful, having to bite back some insult that most likely wasn’t something you’d say around your mother.

 

“What, do you know where he’d be?” Mark pleaded, but the ex-leader put a hand on his head softly.

 

“Flower, I’d invite you to come with me somewhere but we can’t leave Yueniang alone. How about I invite Jinyoung over and we can watch horror movies tonight?” Jaebum smiled, sweet as honey. Considering how he evaded answering the question, Jackson’s whereabouts was probably something Mark wouldn’t take kindly to, and this worried him. “Don’t worry, Jackson’s fine. I’m just upset he didn’t tell you where he went or that he was going out. He really isn’t giving you any proper care at all. With your condition, you must be freaking out… I can’t imagine how confused you are, and overwhelmed. But he isn’t helping in the slightest. Has he done _anything_ the doctor asked?” Mark had no choice but to shake his head. “I thought so.”

 

“Alright, invite Jinyoung.” Cheering up for Jaebum, Mark tried on a tiny smile. “Let’s watch some scary movies.”

 

“There we are! The most gorgeous smile in the world.” The other man leaned in to kiss him, but then he stopped. Leaning away, he looked like he was in emotional torment, and bit his lip. “Angel, I want to be here for you because of reasons I can’t… You know, forget I said that.” He beamed, but it was sort of sad. Jaebum knew not to touch Mark right now – if he couldn’t remember anything, it would only make him confused, scared and stressed. Sure, it was hard, but things were much harder for Mark. Perhaps he could tell him over the next few days, and things would go back to being perfect.

 

Well, close to it.

 

Close to 10:30, Jinyoung arrived, arms laden with snacks and shopping bags of food bouncing against his legs as he walked past Mark, holding the door open for him. He didn’t say thank you, but nodded graciously to him.

 

“Who’s ready to party?” He yelled, but when everyone shushed him, he remembered Yueniang was sleeping and said, quieter, “ _I’m_ ready to party.”

 

Right away, he set all the items on the table and moved to kneel in front of the DVD player, inserting the disc with finesse and quickly operating the TV using the remote controls. Watching his back clad in a pink pullover, Mark had to look away. Seeing him again brought back the guilt of the bus incident. Looking over his shoulder, Jinyoung saw his unconfident look and countered it for once with a smile.

 

“Mark-hyung, it’s alright. Yes, I have issues with you, but how can I blame you in the state you’re in?” Pausing, Jinyoung continued, “Memories are what makes a person, they say. We’re made up of all our experiences and what we’ve learned from them. And I don’t know what you must have forgotten, but you’re not the same person you were before, any which way I look at it. So don’t worry. I don’t forgive you because there’s nothing _you’ve_ done that needs forgiving. It’s the Mark of the past.”

 

Moved, Mark would have moved to hug him; only the remnants of his shame hadn’t been overshadowed by the appreciation, so he stayed put. Within two minutes, the movie was on and without notice, the lights switched off, causing Jinyoung to jump a little, though he played it off. Meandering over, Jaebum gave them apologetic looks as if to say sorry for turning off the lights without giving them due warning, flopping down on the middle of the couch and patting either side of him. Coming when beckoned, Mark gingerly sat down next to JB while Jinyoung practically threw himself into JB’s arms. Wordlessly, JB handed pillows to both of them and kept one on his lap for himself, just in case.

 

They came in handy, because they helped to stifle Jaebum’s screams of terror. At one point, he even screamed for his mother, causing Jinyoung to shed his fright and start laughing hysterically. Acting the tough guy, Jaebum pretended to chuckle at the tense atmosphere, but lost it when a jump scare came on. Mark yelled into the soft pillow until his throat was hoarse, but he was smiling the whole way through. Exhausted halfway through the movie, Jinyoung kept throwing his pillow at the screen half in fear and half in annoyance at being scared, then having to retrieve it and return only to chuck it again moments later.

 

By the end, they had laughed at each other and shouted until they were completely wiped out. Facing Mark, who had been quiet for a while as he usually was, Jinyoung was about to make another comment when the person in question slumped over onto JB’s shoulder.

 

“Ah, he’s asleep.” Taking JB’s hand and entwining their fingers, he gave his husband a kiss. “Dear, let’s put him to bed and then get going, alright?”

 

Nodding, Jaebum had his other arm around Mark, hand entangled in his lovely red hair. Snoring contentedly, Mark snuggled into the warmth gladly.

 

For the first time since he woke up to this strange place, the nightmares didn’t haunt him.


	10. Turning Tide

The sheer awkwardness was so painful that he wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. God, you could cut the tension with a butter knife, it was so thick. On second thought, you’d need a chainsaw.

 

Around a circular table sat Mark, who truly didn’t want to be there, Jaebum and Jackson. They’d met up at a small little café close to where the Wang building was, on Jaebum’s demands. He told Mark on the way over that he wanted to talk some sense into Jackson and make him see how much Mark needed him. Jinyoung thought Mark should be present up until a certain point if he needed to say anything, as he suggested in the car, and then said that when Mark has to leave the conversation, he’d pick him up and they’d go to the zoo with the kids. To Jinyoung, the happiness of his kids came first, so he also opted to pull them out of school for a few hours to come with. He’d also invited Mark to bring Yueniang.

 

How Mark would have loved to be at the zoo just then. Only, he was trapped here with possibly the worst stare-down in history. Taking a long sip of his coffee but keeping eye contact with Jaebum, Jackson didn’t look thrilled either. Yet, Jaebum didn’t just look annoyed, he looked a bit down that he had to do this.

 

“Look, Jackson.” He implored. “Mark needs you right now. And I know that you two had issues as a couple, but he really needs you. He’s confused and upset and heck, I walked in on him having a _mental breakdown_ yesterday.” At this, Mark looked away. He couldn’t bear to see Jackson’s reaction. “He loves you with all his heart. Do you know how tough this is for him?”

 

“I do. I love him.” Jackson said, almost guiltily. He realised that yes, he did love Mark – but he had been neglecting him so badly, and pretty much left him to deal with all this on his own. “It’s just… You know what.” He reached across the table to take Mark’s hand, who tentatively obliged. “I don’t think I have much to be afraid of right now. It’s like a fresh start, that’s how we should see this. Only…” His face darkened noticeably. “It’s like a time bomb. Maybe, without warning, there’ll be… an incident.”

 

“Jackson,” Mark spoke up. His throat and mouth were parched suddenly from the anxiety, but he confessed, “I love you. I really do. Jaebum’s right, I’m sorry but I have to say it. You’ve been leaving me in the dark so much it doesn’t even seem like it’s to protect me. Do you know that the loved ones of a patient with memory loss have to be with them every step of the way? Don’t you remember all the precautions the doctor asked you to take? As much as it seems, I’m not coping at all and this condition can be very dangerous.” Gauging Jackson, he mumbled quite submissively, “I missed my doctor’s appointment. You were meant to pick me up but you didn’t come, I kept waiting but you never came. You said you’d do it and you’d never break your word to me, ever. So I guess… I probably just forgot something.”

 

The shame coloured Jackson’s cheeks and his hand twitched once from the nerves. He tried to make an excuse, that he got caught up in work, but he should have remembered. Mark should have been top priority to him, not sorting out extra papers so he wouldn’t have to do it later. How could he have let something so important slip his mind?

 

“I had to try and find all my antidepressant medicine on my own, and I also need it for my anxiety to avoid panic attacks. If I have one and nobody is around, it won’t kill me but can be so terrifying. I swear there’s nothing more painful or harrowing than having a panic attack alone.” It was almost like a dam had broken and all his thoughts were rushing forward, unhindered. “I need you. And seriously? Refusing to bring me to the hospital once I got punched in the stomach?” Furious, he grit his teeth and hissed, “Jackson, for god’s sake, if you don’t care about me, at least care about your baby.”

 

“That’s the thing!” He blurted before swallowing it back down. “I mean… Fine. Mark, it’s your body so you should know this. Um…” Not wanting to stress him out, he wasn’t about to say the outright truth. “The doctor made a mistake when she told you that you were pregnant and that was the first I’d heard of it, so I believed her. But it was false.” Actually, there had been a baby. Thinking about it brought tears to his eyes – there wasn’t one anymore. He couldn’t tell Mark that, not in this state. He had to protect him.

 

Letting his shocked gaze fall back down to his drink as his vision blurred with tears that dripped onto his hands and into the cup, Mark didn’t know what to say. There was no way that was true, surely Jackson had already been showing signs of knowing. He didn’t act surprised when Mark mentioned it, but maybe the doctor had already told him. Then again, how could Mark trust his own memory? The short answer was: he couldn’t.

 

Quickly, Jaebum fiddled with his phone before sliding it back into his pocket. Within mere moments, Jinyoung came in and scooped Mark up into his arms, whispering encouragement and helping him outside for some fresh air. Jackson’s soft hold of his hand was firm, like he was reluctant to let go, but they slipped apart and then Mark was ushered outside.

 

“It was Bambam on the phone, wasn’t it?” Jaebum said after an extended stillness. “Jackson, I’m still your friend. I always have been. But what was that?” Voice dropping low as he began to lose his patience, he went on. “Mark is in pieces. In pieces! Whatever happened to giving the world for him, huh? Keeping him safe and happy, like you promised? You think if he doesn’t remember then it doesn’t matter anymore?” Slamming his fist on the table, Jaebum watched Jackson coldly. “Why in hell would you need to see Bambam that late at night, after he punched your wife while thinking he was pregnant? Yeah, I heard it from Mark, and don’t think Bambam is free from my hit list either. But you know what is infinitely more vile than punching a pregnant person in the stomach?”

 

“Go ahead.” Jackson spat. “Say it.”

 

“Being the most important person in their life and abandoning them to cheat with the asshole who hurt them. I never thought you could sink that low.”

 

“I did not cheat on him!” Jackson bellowed, gripping his cup with a fist of iron.

 

“Whatever. You and god both know what you’ve done, and that’s enough.” Slicing the air with his cutting words, Jaebum neither broke eye contact nor flinched.

 

Seething with rage, Jackson muttered, “So do you.”

 

Suddenly, a sharp sting cracked across Jackson’s cheek, knocking him out of his chair with the sheer force. Rubbing his face, he glowered as he looked up at the man who had just palm-struck him, and hard.

 

Crawling to his feet, he was about to retaliate when Jaebum crouched down and grabbed him by the collar, pulling him up to growl, “Mr Wang, do you know what the difference between us is?” Searching his eyes, Jaebum threw him aside and answered the question as he walked away. “We both love him, but only one of us shows it.”

 

Speechless, Jackson couldn’t pull himself to his feet for a few minutes. The emotions roiling around inside him was tremendous as he watched Jaebum smiling as he joined Mark and Jinyoung, strolling alongside the pair who had linked arms. They were laughing and joking, and Mark seemed to blink away his tears and gave a grin like sunshine for a moment. When was the last time he made Mark smile? Why did he feel so mortified, yet so cross? Why did it hurt so much to see someone else making Mark happy?

 

A waitress came to help him up and numbly, he took her arm and staggered to his feet, still unable to take his eyes off their disappearing figures. This Mark was true and pure, unlike his old self. But the fear and desire for him returning to how he used to be was suffocating. While nice how kind Mark was now, it was so alien. Besides, this was not the Mark he fell in love with, even if it was also not the Mark who hurt him.

 

Until Mark regained his memories, he was not the mother of his child. He was not Jackson’s wife, nor the love of his life. He wasn’t even at all like the friend Jackson remembered. At the same time he was a completely different person, Jackson surmised that after all, Mark was Mark. And he had, as Jaebum reminded him, promised to keep him safe and happy. That was all he ever wanted. It was why no matter what happened, he could never leave him.

 

Fingering his wedding band, he resolved to make a new vow upon the old one. Regardless of what came his way, he’d be there for Mark. Fragile Mark, with doe eyes blown wide in terror, he would soon be able to smile with the light reaching his eyes instead. Delicate Mark, skittish and shaky and shy like a young fawn moving in the spotted light streaming through gaps in the forest’s foliage. Vulnerable Mark, who could shatter like glass upon the slightest disturbance, who needed to cling to someone and hide from the world in their arms, who needed to be held together so he wouldn’t fall apart. It seemed the most beautiful things were always the most fragile, and most easily broken by the world.

 

Mark was a butterfly with wings thinner than paper, who would fly upon the whisper of a touch, yet even the faintest brush of fingers against him was potentially damaging. Utmost care, utmost love, of which Jackson admitted he had not been administering duly. That would all change soon.

 

He swore it.

 


	11. Trying

Pacing backwards and forwards, Mark’s aura was that of intensity. In fact, Jackson was shaking as he set the glass down on the table, gulping hardly. Confrontation with Mark was still a peril he would have liked to avoid. Despite the happy moments between the two, there was still the underlying danger he couldn’t shake. Instinct that had been drilled into him almost.

 

“I can’t take this.” He whispered and stopped in his tracks. Jackson’s head snapped up to look at him in surprise. “Ever since that day, nothing’s been alright. I feel like I’m crazy: all my memories are wrong and I’m missing so many. I get a shock and become accustomed only get another one, and another one again. I’m confused and upset and I’ve been masking it, holding on, for _you_.” Mark’s gaze flitted to him tearfully and his voice broke. “Don’t you think that’s a little unfair?”

 

“Mark,” Jackson coaxed, nervous now that he had to divulge from the words he’d been practicing to say to the Taiwanese boy. “Come and sit down for breakfast. Fighting in the morning is bad.”

 

Ignoring him, Mark continued, “Every ‘happy’ moment I’ve had is just a Band-Aid to keep me from having a meltdown.” Kneading his hands together, he sighed after a long silence and turned to his husband. “… I’ll go get Yueniang. I may not deserve this, but she most definitely doesn’t either.”

 

“Okay.” Jackson forced a smile, and was stung by the wince he received.

 

That was too close to home for Mark. Too warped and sad, like a twisted version of what used to make him glad. Something meant to be cheerful but which only chilled him; almost like a fear of clowns. Jackson had always used to act the clown. No matter what, he tried to play it like he was happy, to keep them all happy, even when he was crying inside. This man across from him… how much had he changed? Or rather, had he always been this way; and Mark simply made a gentler version of reality for himself to escape into?

 

Quietly, he went up the steps to find their daughter still asleep in her bed, her chest rising and falling steadily. Carefully, he called her name. No response. He called it a little louder and her eyes flickered open slowly. When she saw him, she smiled and sat up, rubbing her eyes.

 

“Good morning, mama.” She sleepily greeted him with a wide grin.

 

Heartened by the sight, he pushed back a lock of her black hair and paused. She did look quite a lot like him, but he could also see Jackson in her. Scooping her up in his arms, he carried her down the stairs.

 

“There’s my little princess!” Jackson ran over and took her from Mark’s arms, spinning her around in the air as she squealed. “And there’s my queen.” He gave a soft look to Mark, which stupefied him. He supposed Jackson had been giving the whole situation more thought. Perhaps… he gave the ghost of a smile. There was hope.

The mood at breakfast was light and relaxed for once. It was almost like a breath of fresh air to Mark, and he exhaled softly. Occasionally Jackson would look away when they made eye contact or act stiffly but he decided just to ignore that. He knew that if he had really mistreated him in the past, then it would take a while to get over that. Just like Mark needed love and care, so did Jackson.

 

“We’re going to spend some time with the whole team together for dinner.” Jackson announced around a mouthful of egg, and Mark nearly choked on his rice. Rubbing Mark’s back, he assured him, “Don’t worry. Hopefully Kunpimook will be under control tonight, and I’ll keep an eye on him. Youngjae and Yugyeom have also heard about your condition, and they’re worried.”

 

Fear clenched tightly around Mark’s lungs, and he looked down into his bowl to avoid eye contact. Youngjae and Yugyeom. Three out of his old band members seemed to be on his side, thankfully. Well, it was arguable, but he had to take what he got. Bambam on his own was hard enough to handle.

 

For god’s sake; he knew that Jackson had no choice to invite Bambam if they were having a reunion dinner, but even Bambam himself should have known that punching someone in the stomach while thinking that they were pregnant was enough to have that right revoked. While he wanted to fix what he had broken, he couldn’t bear to face someone so hateful and violent just yet: much less someone who had used to be one of his closest friends and a pillar of support.

 

And now he had a new worry; what if Yugyeom and Youngjae were just as bad? Or, even more unthinkable, what if they were _worse_?

 

“Mama?” Yueniang enquired, and he snapped out of it. “Are you okay?”

 

He realised he had been sitting frozen for a long amount of time, and put his chopsticks down. Flashing her a smile, he forced a ‘yes’. At the other end of the table, Jackson set down his cutlery as well and got up. As he walked past Mark, he squeezed his shoulder lightly, but the touch was jilted and awkward.

 

“I need to go out to work.” He declared, and both wife and child wished him a happy day at work, as was expected. Within two minutes he was out the door.

 

“So, Yueniang, shouldn’t you get ready for school?” Mark reminded her gently, and she went darting off to change. Chuckling, Mark trailed after her to assist in case she needed help.

 

He was very grateful that Jinyoung had offered to carpool the kids and go around dropping them off in the morning, since their schools were in the same district. Of course, Mark would accompany them, but Jaebum was normally at work. After the scandal, it seemed, none of them had been able to make it in the music industry again. Or rather, they wanted to stay out of the limelight. Either way, Jinyoung was now a housewife and Jaebum, the owner of a dance studio. He didn’t know much about anyone else, besides Jackson and himself, obviously.

 

During the car ride, Jinyoung was jubilant and interacted with the kids well to try and get their moods up for school. Afterwards, instead of going to drop Mark off home like he normally did, he turned in the opposite direction. Mark didn’t notice straightaway, trying to focus on the conversation apprehensively because he didn’t speak often, but wanted to try and do so to avoid seeming rude in front of someone who was being nice to him.

 

 Only after a while, he noticed it was taking slightly longer to get there, but wrote it off until Jinyoung pulled into the lobby of an expensive-looking, futuristic apartment building. Uneasy, he didn’t say anything until Jinyoung had driven into the darkness of the car park and stopped the vehicle.

 

“Come on out.” He invited, opening the car door.

 

In the dim light, Mark let himself out of the car and followed Jinyoung to the lift area. Tapping his foot impatiently, Jinyoung pressed the button a few times and when the door slid open, he gestured for Mark to go in first. Timid, Mark stepped inside and so did Jinyoung. They went up to level twelve before it jerked to a halt and they walked out. Mark could feel the cool breeze against his cheek while he waited for Jinyoung to enter the code and unlock the door, shivering.

 

“Why are we at your house?” Mark ventured, taking in the pristine and shining house. The floors were white marble and there were floor to ceiling windows showing off the skyline. 

 

“You know,” Jinyoung padded into the kitchen and began to make coffee. “After we broke up, Jaebum and I continued for a while as the JJ project, even after the kids came.  We were extremely popular.” He licked the teaspoon he had used to stir his drink. “In fact, we’re only on a hiatus right now, really, to try and raise the kids a little. We’ll probably be back halfway through next year.” Neatly, he placed the floral teacups on the tray and lined them up perfectly. “In fact, we’ve been working really hard recently. We’ve just taken a bit of time as a break so Jaebum can do some more work at his dance studio and spend more time with the kids.”

 

“Oh.” Mark graciously took a cup from the tray that was offered to him.

 

“Yeah.” Jinyoung paused, before smiling. “Doesn’t this house look nice?”

 

“Um,” Stumbling, the taller boy answered, “It’s very well-kept.”

 

“Good.” He beamed and turned away, face melancholic. “You have to have well control over the parts of your life that you _do_ have any control over.”

 

A bit worried, Mark put his cup down on the counter and tried to measure Jinyoung’s face. Quickly, Jinyoung turned on his heel and strode out of the kitchen. Feeling tired, Mark snatched up the cup of caffeine and came with him as he got a full tour of the house and the children’s rooms.

 

“Here we are, this is Jaebum and I’s bedroom.” Jinyoung pointed to the master bedroom adding spitefully, “Although, I’m sure that you - ” A sigh, and he glanced to the ceiling. “Never mind.” Running a hand through his hair, he sat on the bed and chewed on his lip harshly. Mark caught the sight of red welling up and was about to say something when Jinyoung continued softly, “Things must be hard for you.”

 

“They aren’t so bad.” Mark tried chirpily, but dropped the act when Jinyoung raised an eyebrow at him. “Okay, so Jackson isn’t being the best right now.” Gazing into the dark mass swirling in the cup, he went on, “But he’s trying.”

 

“I’m sure he is.” The dark haired boy agreed, before pausing. “Anyways, I know you must be nervous about tonight.” Mark’s expression confirmed it, and he added, “Don’t sweat it. I’ll keep Kunpimook in check.”

 

“Can you?” He asked dubiously, unable to bite back the question.

 

Not very confident, Jinyoung admitted, “I can try.”

 

 

“Jinyoung,” Upon hearing his name, the other man looked up. “I hate to ask a question that sounds so jaded, but were there any happy moments that we had as a band? Ever?”

 

“Of course there were!” Jinyoung laughed. “Sure, some of us were more difficult than others. But there was no way we never had any good times. Though, because of _some_ people’s personalities, they always had to be complete chaos.” He shot Mark a look. “I remember when you slipped and fell during an event while laughing at Kunpimook who had just lost his balance. You got up, and knocked your head directly into a wall. You couldn’t even stop laughing! Then you realised, you had a huge gash on your forehead. It was horrific and you had blood running down your face, we were all so scared.”

 

Giggling, the redhead gasped, “No way.”

 

“Yes! We had to bring you off the stage to get paper stitches. You had to have a fringe for a while after that, and once you could peel the stitches off, it was on to scar cream and then laser treatment. You couldn’t even stop smiling the whole time, and laughing at yourself!”

 

“Didn’t it leave a lasting mark?” He felt around his forehead for it, snickering.

 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung got up and peered close, pushing Mark’s hair back. “It’s like a Harry Potter thing.”

 

Chuckling at his clumsiness, Mark was slightly relieved by this tale. It seemed like something that wouldn’t have been funny to any of them but him. It really must not have hurt that much, that or he really hadn’t wanted them to worry. He wished he could remember it. Just then, Jinyoung frowned and leant back.

 

“I can’t find it.” He said, confused. “It was definitely there, maybe it faded. But I could always find it when I looked very, very close. You had two moles there, I remember. Then one of them went missing after the whole debacle.”  Mark’s blood felt like ice in his veins. “Come to think of it, you don’t have the other mole either.”

 

Staring at him funnily, Jinyoung asked a question that made Mark freeze up completely.

 

“Are you even Mark Tuan?”


	12. Confidence

Standing next to Jackson as they greeted everyone in the doorway, Mark supposed they must have looked like a perfect couple. His husband wore a smart casual white pinstriped shirt with a navy blue cardigan and grey slacks while Mark wore a white turtleneck and coffee brown jeans. To complete his outfit, Jackson had helped him find his old diamond dangling earrings, and they glittered beautifully under the light of the chandelier.

 

When they made eye contact, Jinyoung jumped up and went over to greet him, blocking Kunpimook’s dark gaze from sight. Luckily, after the observation the other day he had merely laughed and dismissed the idea, and Mark realised he wasn’t being completely serious. Still, it deeply unsettled him, and he hadn’t been in a good mood since then.

 

The table was draped in a white embroidered tablecloth and gilt candelabras and vases of flowers decorated its length. Seated in the chairs were Kunpimook, at the end corner, and Jaebum at the next to the front where Jinyoung’s bag was. Moving forward, Jackson sat at the chair one down from Bambam.

 

Taken aback, Mark felt himself fill with dread. The room was blurry like water was rising up and up, drowning him and pressing him against the ceiling as he fought for his last breaths before he went under. Noticing this, Jinyoung looked at Jackson and rolled his eyes, sighing. On that side of the table there were only three seats, so Mark would be forced to sit next to Bambam. How Jackson could have made that mistake was beyond him.

 

Skilfully, he grabbed Mark’s arm with one hand and dumped his bag two along from where he had been. He jerked the chair out and pushed Mark to sit down in the chair next to Jaebum, insisting that the two of them have a nice chat since they hadn’t seen each other since the other day.

 

It didn’t take a genius to see how this irritated the Hong Kong native, but Jinyoung caught his eye just to jerk his chin at him as if to say ‘what are you looking at’. This protectiveness on Jinyoung’s part came as a surprise to Bambam, as his eyebrows flew upwards at the sight, but he masked it quickly and pretended not to care. Now, Mark was conveniently seated furthest away from where Bambam was.

 

“But what about Youngjae and Yugyeom?” He asked anxiously, remembering how Jackson had told him the day before that they were a couple. “Now they’ll be split up when they come.”

 

“Ah, don’t worry.” Jinyoung said with a small smile. “I’ll move to the other side then.” Quite forcefully, he launched his bag across the room and it hit the wall next to Bambam, startling him. At the offended look he got, Jinyoung smirked, “Sorry. I was aiming for the chair.”

 

“It’s not even pulled out.” Bambam muttered to himself, giving Jinyoung a scathing glance. “Bitch.”

 

“What did you just say?” He asked sweetly, circling the table and brushing his fingers across the back of Bambam’s chair so they ghosted across his shoulders, sending a cold shiver down his spine. “I didn’t quite catch that.”

 

Gritting his teeth, the brunette mumbled, “Nothing.”

 

“I thought so.” Jinyoung retrieved his bag and hooked it on the edge of his chair, then sat down.

 

Silence as they all feigned reading over their menus. Mark felt so bad that Bambam and Jinyoung were at each other because of him, but Jaebum whispered to him behind the menu that they never got along anyway. No one really liked Bambam because of his bad attitude.

 

Suddenly the door to the private booth clicked open and the waitress let the two in. Pulling off his hat and unwinding his scarf, a tall blonde man came in first. Mark recognised him immediately as Yugyeom, although he looked more tired than he remembered. After him was… was that Youngjae? Sure, the face looked mostly the same, but he was deflated. His wide eyes full of laughter and wonder had become dull and almost glassy.

 

At any given point, he looked both emotionless and on the verge of tears at the same time. Patting Youngjae on the back, Yugyeom said hello to everyone cheerfully and sat down next to Jaebum. Youngjae flopped down opposite to Bambam, who sneered at his presence.

 

“Who brought this freak?” He picked at the tablecloth nonchalantly.

 

Flinching, Youngjae looked away and chewed his lip, trying to hold back the tears. Shooting an admonishing look to Bambam, Yugyeom squeezed his shaking hand reassuringly.

 

“Funny that.” Yugyeom stared directly at the Thai. “I was about to ask the very same question. Behave yourself for one damn night or you can spend it alone - which I’m sure you always do, with a personality like that.”

 

He chuckled. Then he looked up swiftly and spat, “Do you want to take this outside? Or maybe, you’re this bitter for a reason.” Bambam looked him up and down suggestively. “I could show you a better time. Wait, no, that’s wrong. He probably doesn't even give you anything at all.”

 

“Stop it.” Yugyeom warned, his voice dangerously low.

 

“What’s the point of having him around? Because you love him?” He laughed bitterly. “Love. That doesn’t exist. People are just in it for one thing or another. You don’t need to feel obligated to that _thing_. Or tied down to him.” Ignoring how Yugyeom was shaking with rage and the whole table was hushed with the tension, he went on. “He can’t even - ”

 

“Don’t you _dare_ say it.” Yugyeom got up, slow, like a predator getting ready to pounce.

 

Fed up, Jaebum shouted, “That’s enough!” Everyone turned away from the scene to look at him. “Kunpimook, for god’s sake. Shut up and stop causing trouble for five minutes. If you don’t want to be scolded like a five-year-old then don’t act like one!”

 

Nervously, a waitress came in and bowed. She was trembling, a bit afraid and apprehensive because of the situation she had just interrupted.

 

“Um, I’m here to take your orders if you’re ready.” She said, uneasy.

 

Order restored for a moment, Jaebum and Mark went first. Since Yugyeom and Youngjae had just arrived, they skipped them to let them have a longer look over the menu. The three on the other side, starting with Bambam, placed their orders. Then it came back to the newcomers. Relieved to leave, the waitress scurried out after taking down all the information she needed and bowing again.

 

The whole dinner was wordless, except when people asked for something to be passed over to them or said thank you, small things like that. When they had finished, they all said thank you and there was a minor verbal scuffle between Jackson, Jaebum and Yugyeom over who was paying. In the end, Jackson won out and took care of the bill.

 

As they were leaving the restaurant, Youngjae stayed back to talk to Mark. Alarmed, Mark had turned to see who was tugging on his sleeve and found his former team member with his head bowed.

 

“I’m sorry to hear about the baby.” He said, with an unspeakable sadness. “You can always come and speak to me. After all, you were there for me when I lost my kids. Especially…” His voice cracked. “Sarang. It must be tough for you.” Mark didn’t move. “I’m here for you.”

 

Before Mark had a chance to reply, he heard shouting from outside. Immediately, both of them rushed out to see what the commotion was about and found Jaebum pulling Bambam and Jinyoung apart. Jesus, Jinyoung had a hand clamped over his nose and mouth, but bright red blood dripped down from between his fingers. Crying out with the pain, he stumbled backwards and Jackson caught him just in time, holding him up. Bambam had a split lip, but he didn’t react at all. Instead, he swept his tongue over the cut indifferently, tasting the metallic liquid. Heedless of the yelling, he turned around and walked away, waving goodbye cockily. Caught between the two, Jaebum nearly went after him, but decided to pay attention to Jinyoung instead. 

 

Running over, Mark knelt down and threw his arms around Jinyoung, practically shoving Jaebum out of the way.

 

“What happened?” He demanded, rocking him back and forth as his friend cried.

 

Forcing on a smile, Jinyoung slurred, “No warning, he just came at me swinging. I fell but I got back up and managed to hit him once. Then… I think he broke my nose.”

 

“It’s my fault.” Mark clutched at him protectively, starting to cry. “It’s all my fault.”

 

“You really aren’t Mark Tuan.” The injured man sighed. “Since when have you cared so much about others and thought so little of yourself?”

 

He went stiff suddenly. Who was he? Living someone else’s life? What if Jinyoung was right?

 

Then again, that was impossible. So many things matched up even if the rest didn’t; Got7 and his love for Jackson and so on. This sense of identity loss was just due to his amnesia. It simply didn’t help how Jinyoung kept saying things like that. Didn’t he realise what state Mark was in, how unsure of himself he was?

 

How would Jinyoung feel if he had lost all his memories, with no idea who he was and only false memories? And then if someone kept saying that he wasn’t really who he thought he was? Mark was already untrusting enough of everything and his own knowledge. No, he had to firmly ground himself or he’d lose his mind. He was Mark Tuan and that was final.

 

“Mark?” Jinyoung asked breathlessly. “Mark, what’s wrong?”

 

He was still for a moment. It was a long moment.

 

“Nothing.” He said, finally. “Nothing’s wrong.”

 


	13. Dawning

Quietly, Mark stared at himself in the mirror. It was dark, and Jackson was still in bed. The sun hadn’t even risen yet, but when he woke up he couldn’t go back to sleep. Despite how creepy it was in the bathroom at four in the morning, he couldn’t break eye contact with the figure reflected in front of him.

 

Leaning in close, he ran his fingers over his forehead, perturbed by the lack of the scar and mole. Slipping a hand up his shirt, he rubbed his stomach and felt an ache in his heart over the loss of the baby. Well, the baby that didn’t exist to begin with. What was it, a ghost pregnancy? He didn’t even care anymore.

 

Under his breath, he said, “What does it even matter…”A touch to his back made him jump and he turned around to face Jackson.

 

Stroking Mark’s face in the moonlight, he nuzzled his neck and mumbled sleeply, “Go to sleep.”

 

“I can’t.” Wrapping his arms around his husband, they stood there for a while like that.

 

Inhaling sharply, Jackson leant back and rubbed his eyes. Taken, Mark watched him. He loved him so much it tore his heart to shreds with just the intensity of it. Softly, he pressed his lips to Jackson’s and was pleased to find the other man kissing him back.

It felt as if a small fire was burning through Mark’s body. With a gentle grace unbefitting someone so timid, Mark took Jackson’s hand and placed it on his hip, inviting him to squeeze the supple flesh through the layers of fabric. But it wasn’t enough. Not enough of their skin was in contact, not even how Mark’s hand had snaked around him and rested on his upper back, not the heat of their mouths desperately opening and changing and swirling fluidly, trying to find the right combination to continue the spark, the high-pitched buzz in their heads and the pooling of warmth in their guts as if they had drunk whole bottles of vodka, none of it could slake Jackson’s increasing thirst for Mark.

Jackson’s hands trailed up underneath the thin curtain of cloth hanging from Mark’s frame, the oversized shirt that he had stolen from him. The warmth of Mark’s sides, the faint contours of his ribs, the way his flesh pressed up against Jackson’s hands each time he inhaled, it was all too much, but not enough at the same time. Slowly but surely, Mark was pushed back to the bedroom.

When he flopped back onto the bed, a trickle of nervous laughter left Mark’s lips even as they parted and shifted. Mostly the sound was heard from his throat; the rest was swallowed up into Jackson as their tongues danced wildly, slipping and sliding around with an immeasurable amount of greed. There were moments when their teeth clicked awkwardly- most of which were on Mark’s part to be honest - or when a canine caught soft flesh, but Jackson didn’t let up at any time. Giddy with some unknown feeling, Mark just let himself be taken higher and higher, further and further away. If he was led by Jackson, he was happy to follow.

“I love you.” Mark gasped softly as they lay entangled together in the sheets afterwards. “I really do.” In fact, it was nearly crushing him how much he loved Jackson. And each moment that it was reciprocated, with each touch, with each kiss, he felt like he was burning up. That he was brittle, dry grass and Jackson was a spark, all it took was a little bit of him and Mark was engulfed in flames.

Smiling, Jackson caressed his cheek ands said, “I love you too.”

Nearly overcome with the joy upon hearing that, Mark began to laugh suddenly. Arm across his eyes, he hooted and shook until his sides hurt. Adding to the mayhem, Jackson wiggled over and began to tickle him until Mark was begging for mercy. After a while, they stopped and Mark calmed down a little.

“I can’t believe what we just did.” He said, breaking into tiny fits of giggles in between words. “I mean, not _what_ we just did exactly but at half past four in the morning? Are you crazy?”

“Don’t make it out like I started it.” Jackson objected, pouting as the very picture of innocence. “Who kissed who first?”

“Really. I can’t believe it.”  Looking in the tiny mirror on the bedside table, he turned to Jackson with a scandalized face. “You left a hickey on my neck.” Turning side to side, he exclaimed, “They’re all over my neck! And…. My collarbone too? Christ, I’m covered in them!” Smacking him lightly on the arm, he scolded, “Jackson Wang! How am I going to explain all of this?”

“You don’t, I’m just marking my territory.” The man insisted indignantly, trying to act cute to avoid confrontation. Frowning, he stared at Mark and touched his bare chest. “It’s gone.”

“What’s gone?” He enquired, curious.

Ignoring him, Jackson decided just to push it aside for now. He didn’t want to burst this little bubble of happiness he’d finally been able to create. “Come on, Markiepoo.” He whined, hugging him around the waist. “Markiepoo~” He began to tickle him rather vigorously, sending Mark into peals of laughter. “I love how you react now when you’re tickled.”

“Really?” He tried to smack away Jackson’s hands but to no avail. “I wasn’t always ticklish?”

“You were.” Jackson let up then, patting his stomach lightly. “Only as a reflex you were likely to smack or kick me. Then your first reaction if you did was to laugh harder then you were when I was tickling you, and since it put you in such a good mood, then you’d ask if I was alright. If not, you’d get irritated and grumpy afterwards.”

“I see.” Rolling over, he snuggled up close to him. “I guess I wasn’t always nice.”

“Not always, but I guess nobody is. Not many people understood you.” Jackson looked deep into his eyes. “But I did. And I loved all of you just the same.”

“Even though I hurt you?”

“I - ” He struggled to answer for a while. “Even though you hurt me. I didn’t love you any less. I just lost sight of who needed to be strong. I wasn’t able to support you, and I’m sorry. I became scared when I should have been brave, for both of us. You deserved someone who could help you more. It just felt so, so helpless.”

“I’m so sorry.” Tears welled up in his eyes, sliding coldly across his nose bridge and falling on the pillowcase. “I hate myself.” He murmured.

“No, Mark.” Jackson hugged him so tight he felt like he couldn’t breathe. “It’s alright. We can move past this, together. Things will be better now, and I’ll be here for you. Tell you what, I’ll take you tomorrow to the doctor’s tomorrow to discuss what we should do, alright?”

“Okay.” He agreed.

“Then, I’ll take you for a date.” Jackson grinned at him. “I’ll court you all over again. It’s only fair.”

“Oh, Jackson.” He cuddled him joyfully. “It reminds me back when I used to come visit your house in Hong Kong, and you would come to mine, when we were trainees.”

“That never happened.” Jackson booped his nose teasingly. “You must be making things up again.”

“I’m not!” He insisted. “I remember meeting your parents and your brother, and introducing you to my family. You and Joey got along splendidly!”

“Mark, I don’t have a brother.” He said slowly. “And Joey… who’s that? An uncle? I don't recall him.”

Fearfully, Mark said, “He’s my little brother. Stop playing around Jackson. I’d accept anything being messed up and wrong in my memory but not Joey.”

Blanching, he looked like he’d seen a ghost and mouthed ‘brother’ to himself. Turning away, he quickly rolled over to have his back facing Mark and wouldn’t say anything more. Mark kept harassing him and pushing him and questioning him until finally Jackson lost his patience.

“I don’t know much about him, Mark!” He shouted suddenly. “All I know is that you had a little brother who died when he was young. That’s all I could piece together from what you would say in your sleep or when you had an episode.” Shaking, Mark shook his head and moved away from him until he tumbled off the side of the bed.

Curling up into a ball on the floor, he sobbed uncontrollably and when Jackson tried to touch him he screamed, “GO AWAY!”

Immense emotional pain ravaged his body, grief raking her sharp fingernails through his insides and setting them ablaze with raw agony. Not only had his parents gone, but so had his little brother. So all his memories with Joey growing up, spending time with him, weren’t they real? And Jackson’s brother too? Was he just a figment of Mark’s imagination?

If not, then that meant it was as he originally felt. He wasn’t this Mark Tuan at all. Instead, he was in the wrong universe. That’s what it was like. It would explain so much things but what that meant was… how could he even go back? And where was the Mark Tuan who really belonged here?

 “Damn it!” He gritted, followed by a long whine, punctuated by wheezes. Tears forced themselves past his eyes as he whimpered pathetically like a wounded animal. “Uuuuuh….ah!” His voice cracked almost every second, his body tearing his mind to shreds. His belly felt like it was going to split open, his head was dipped into a fire, his arms and legs were cold and strange with a loss of sensation, just the feeling of trembling emptiness. Run until dry. Shrieking until hoarse. Existing until dead.

Then he let out a scream that would come to haunt Jackson for years.


	14. Games

Gathered in the living room, Jinyoung, Youngjae, and Jackson were positioned almost like a circle around Mark. To his left, Youngjae was rubbing his shoulder comfortingly, and just behind him, Jinyoung sat on the couch. Across from them Jackson was walking back and forth in thought.

“So, can you guys really take care of him?” He asked dubiously. He was reluctant to leave Mark after spending hours trying to calm him down, and now was late for work.  Curiously, he’d left the room at one point and while he was away, Mark must have done some thinking because he had brightened up considerably.

“Of course.” They chorused.

“Alright.” He swooped in to press a kiss to Mark’s forehead. “I’m heading out, sweetheart.”

Once he was gone, Jinyoung said, “Come on, chin up, Mark.”

“I _am_ feeling better.” He maintained. “I’m just thinking, that’s all.”

Now that he had confirmed it to himself, he needed to make up his mind about whether he would continue living this life or go back to his own. It was give and take: overall, however, he felt much more secure married to Jackson. Jackson loved him here, he was the CEO of a big and successful company, and they had a beautiful daughter. Even without Got7, all the members except Bambam were on good terms, or at least, he could rebuild their close relationships together. With only a little work, things could improve. Then he’d be living close to what had always been his dream, for years.

Yes, he missed Got7. Yes, he hated Bambam’s attitude here - he simply couldn’t stand it. Poor Youngjae too… but hopefully all these things could change. Of course they could. They would get better.

On the flip side, if he remained here, what was the real meaning? These people were not his friends. This Jackson wasn’t his Jackson at all, not the man he fell in love with. Even what was left of his family wasn’t his family at all; he was all alone in this universe. He would have written it off as him being completely crazy, but there were some things that didn’t match up. Not just on his end, but other people had commented on what was strangely different.

It explained how he still had the bruise from playing with Bambam, how he no longer had the baby, how he was missing the scar and mole. His memory loss, these so-called ‘fake’ memories, they all made sense now. He had landed in an alternate universe five years into the future from his own. And with physical evidence to support this theory, he couldn’t exactly flout it.

And more controversial was how remaining here willfully would be stealing the life of the Mark who belonged here. How would it feel to know someone else must be pretending to be the mother of your child, sleeping with your husband and playing around with your friends with everyone none the wiser? Not to mention how keeping this from all these people was as good as lying to them. They deserved to know.

“Hey! Snap out of it.” Jinyoung shook him, and Mark blinked a few times. “Something’s upsetting you, right?”

“No.” He shook his head adamantly. “There isn’t.” He chewed on his lip in thought.

“Well, I already took Yueniang to school earlier with my kids so we’re all free for the day.” He pointed out. “We should have a guy’s day out! Cheer up everyone.”

“I need to find out more about myself.” Mark objected, half to himself and half to Jinyoung. After giving it some consideration, he found that if he wanted to go back he’d have to find out more about the Mark from this universe, and it would give him some clues as to why this might have happened. “Maybe I should stay behind.”

Quietly, Youngjae prodded him and said, “You can do that later, Mark. It won’t do you any good if you just sit here in a mood. You won’t find anything out. Especially since most of what you want to know, you need to ask other people to tell you. Staying behind won’t help.”

“And there we have it!” Jinyoung exclaimed, tapping Youngjae on the head. “Good argument. You forget; it applies to you too though.”

“I thought you’d forget about Happy Wednesdays with all the fuss about Mark going on.” He groaned, burying his face in his hands.

Grabbing both of them and jerking them to their feet, Jinyoung asserted, “I’d never forget about Happy Wednesdays! We can all go, as a team.”

“Happy Wednesdays is the hell day once a week where this guy drags me around the city by force.” Youngjae explained tiredly to Mark. “You didn’t seem like the person to do this, and you always complained about it, but you always came. Voluntarily. In fact your snarky attitude was the highlight of this event.”

“I…. see…” The redhead barely managed to reply as he was ushered out of his own house.

“We’re going to Escape today!” Jinyoung gleefully called.

“Not again! How is _that_ supposed to make me happy?” Youngjae whined, almost like a kicked puppy.

As Mark found out outside the venue, Escape was a place where you got locked in a themed room and had to work out the clues hidden around the place to move onto the next room (whether that be a concealed key or a fake wall or a secret door). You only got an hour to finish the whole thing, moving from room to room, and if you got to the final one you would unravel the whole mystery.

Surprisingly, as soon as the door closed and they were locked inside the dimly lit and creepy horror room, their adrenaline kicked in and they began to work together. Even Youngjae was very hands-on, and almost like his normal self. Under the pressure, he began to engage and didn’t waste time in explaining things.

Their teamwork was superb, and they all laughed at the squeals each other got at the jump scares. By the end, they were about to insert the key and unlock the final door when the buzzer went and they had to leave. Although chagrined that they lost, they all felt a sense of pride in working out such complicated clues. Mark for one felt like a genius.

As they walked out, a lady stopped Mark and handed him a smartphone, saying, “You left this last time you were here, a week ago. You agreed to come pick it up but you never came.”

Ah. Mark estimated that this was five days from when he woke up, so this was just two days before the switch. Thanking her, he accepted it and slipped it into his pocket.

“See, Youngjae?” Jinyoung pressed. “You had fun, admit it.” He mussed his hair, laughing.

“Stop it.” The shorter man pushed away his hand, grinning. “Alright, I admit it. I was terrified but I had fun.”

“Yeah.” Mark said emptily, with a small smile. His mind was focused on the phone. Maybe there would be some answers hidden there.

He didn’t get to take a look at it until that night, because after that, they went around shopping. Then for a buffet lunch at some high-end hotel, paid for by Jinyoung. Then more shopping. Shortly afterward, they had to pick up the kids, so Jinyoung brought them to a waterpark and they all went swimming. Youngjae seemed upset at the prospect, pulling his long sleeves down and refusing to follow, but Jinyoung handed him a large brown bag.

When he peered inside, he found a stylish long sleeve swimming top in white, red and black, complete with matching three quarter shorts. Touched, he looked up to thank Jinyoung, but found that he was already giving Mark a knuckle sandwich gleefully as they went to go and get changed.

Finally, after dinner at an on-site family restaurant, they headed on home and put the kids to bed. Jinyoung then went for some 3D experience ride near the park, Youngjae in tow. Mark had declined to follow, saying he was tired and would prefer to stay home. Jackson wasn’t yet back from work, so after putting Yueniang to bed, he sat on his bed and took out the phone.

Once he figured out how to work it, he had to figure out the code. Luckily, it was a new model and had a thumb print scanner. It gave him chills a little when it unlocked, proving that he did in fact have the exact same genetic makeup as this Mark. Now there was the job of searching all his mail and notes. There seemed to be a lot of information on the thing, which was a help, but would require a lot of time to comb through.

Mail had nothing special, just cheeky messages exchanged with Jackson’s work email. Some of them sounded quite angry actually. A few of them were in bold and had many exclamation marks, the English parts of which were in caps lock. Messages were all quite short and a bit moody, but to be expected. He’d have to look through this properly. A chat app, with all the conversations locked, so Mark had to scan his thumb again to open a selected chat. There was someone under the ID Bongi, who always signed off with ‘oppa’.

Furrowing his brow, he scrolled through the messages exchanged. That wasn’t Jackson. Most obviously was that they wouldn’t typically converse in only Korean if it was between the two of them. Besides, Bongi? That wasn’t anything like any of Jackson’s nicknames. It sounded like... Jaebongi? Jaebum?

The messages only got more incriminating. Things like ‘I love you’ and plans to meet up places, confirming where their significant others were beforehand to avoid getting caught. They even got quite… dirty and suggestive, to say the least.

Which meant… it was just as Mark expected, from Jaebum’s strange behavior. They had been having an affair. Didn’t that imply Mark wasn’t satisfied with his relationship with Jackson? He didn’t seem like a kind person, to treat Jackson the way he did. Perhaps that was it. But this only confirmed that it was not a functioning, good relationship.

As he went through the chats, he found that there were about ten different guys besides Jaebum. The last message sent to all of them was about breaking it off… this was seven months ago. He’d kept on with Jaebum still… so it wasn’t a matter of being faithful to Jackson. Heck, eight of these guys were single, whereas Jaebum was _married_. It wasn’t about morals either.

Just then, he heard Jackson calling him downstairs and nearly dropped the phone. Fumbling, he managed to stick it in the drawer and lock it again just in time as Jackson came into the room.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, cocking his head out of interest.

“Nothing.” Mark said, acutely aware of how he was lying to him too. Keeping secrets just like the previous Mark had. In fact, his secrets were far more grave. It was like that game: unlocking enigma after enigma so you could finally be free, both from the gnawing suspense and from the hellish, winding rooms. Except to find each horrifying truth, you’d have to suffer in so many more ways than you could imagine.

Jackson was only in room one.


	15. Forward

The next day, they were all having lunch together at a restaurant facing the river - minus Bambam of course, and Jackson was busy at the company. Everyone else had been able to make time off work to come, and they were all laughing and joking with one another.

“Ah, I almost forgot again!” Jaebum snapped his fingers, producing a pouch from his bag and handing it to Mark. “This is from when you threw it at me. I charged your phone for you.”

“That can’t be my phone.” He answered dubiously. “It must be Jackson’s one that he lent me, so I’ll pass it back to him.” After all, he already had a phone. Why would he carry two?

“I’m certain it’s yours.” The old leader insisted, giving him a look that had an underlying warning, as if to tell him not to say any more. “You only have one phone, and this should be it.”

Ah. Mark glanced shamefully at Jinyoung. There must have been a reason why he had two phones: it was another precaution to avoid getting caught. He had one phone that he used for general purpose and another phone he secretly kept for affairs. Smart.

Accepting the pouch, he thanked him and said, “I think I got confused again.”

“Probably.” Yugyeom agreed, stirring his drink. “So how has everything been so far, Mark? Is it getting better for you?”

“Yes, I guess.” He contemplated it for a moment, putting his things back into his bag. “Jackson has been kinder to me lately, and Yueniang is as loving as ever. When she isn’t at school, you just can’t peel her off me. She’s very well-behaved and hard working though.”

“So you’re enjoying this?” The blonde pressed.

Pausing, Mark said quietly, “Well, my memories are all quite different. Everything came as a shock; I’m surprised I haven’t gone crazy. Or maybe I already have, so nothing affects me anymore.” Tearing up, he continued, “Youngjae, I remember you as smiling and laughing all the time. Yugyeom, you were never this worn-out and lifeless. Jinyoung, you don’t seem like it on the outside but you’re sad. Much sadder than I’ve ever seen you. And Jaebum… you’ve done things I would never imagine you could ever do to the people you love.” Their expressions all fell one by one as he mentioned them.

“Hyung, things change.” Youngjae said softly.

“Well, too many things changed! And what I do remember… it’s all wrong right? Bambam was one of the sweetest people I knew. So you’re telling me that was never true?” He blustered, wiping his tears away angrily with his sleeve. “And me. I’m the real problem here. We all know it. Nasty, unfaithful, violent, explosive; what else?” Getting up, he excused himself and left to go to the toilet.

A light touch to his arm as he washed his face in the sink alerted him to Jaebum’s presence. Turning to him as he sobbed, the tears mixing with the water dripping down his visage, Mark let himself be pulled into the embrace.

“Don’t talk that way about yourself.” Jaebum said firmly. “You know what else? You tried. You were full of everything, love and intelligence and courage to face every new day that came. Nothing is ever easy. People are never easy either, not to shave down to just a few bad qualities that you think they are.” Quietly, he whispered, “You had the voice of gentle spring rain, but all the force of a storm. You were soft as the wind but powerful as a hurricane.” Kissing his forehead, he said, “You’re much more than what you think of yourself.”

Pushing him away weakly, Mark exclaimed, “Don’t do that! Whatever’s between us, I’m ending it.”

To his surprise, Jaebum smiled and said, “I knew you’d do that sooner or later. You’re different to how you used to be, more upright, kinder. Maybe it’s for the best.” His face strained with the sadness until his smile crumpled into tears. “I won’t stop you. I won’t mention this again or make things difficult for you. And I’ll do that for a reason: I love you, Mark Tuan.”

Love is doing anything for the other person, even if it means giving them up, Mark realised. As he watched Jaebum wordlessly, he could see how much he did love him. This time, he was the one to take the other into his arms and comfort him, patting his back as he cried. It went without saying that Jaebum would still do anything, sacrifice anything for him. It was sad how complicated life was; how many people your heart could have room for.

Later, as he sat brushing Yueniang’s hair while she did her homework, he thought about it. Shouldn’t he find out more about the Mark from here? Or would that take too long? He’d always thought that if he married Jackson and had a kid then he’d be happy and that would be all he wanted. This was far from what he’d imagined. This reality held only pain and sadness. Now, all he wanted was to go back. Yet, when he thought of how if he went back then there was the chance that Jackson would not love him back, he froze up. It was stupid how much he would shove aside for Jackson.

When he heard the door open, he ran downstairs to greet his husband. Grinning, Jackson put down his briefcase, free hand folded behind his back. He kissed Mark before leaning back and presenting him with a bouquet of roses. Happy, Mark took them and gave him a tight hug. In fact he felt so much better now that he’d properly ended things with Jaebum, even if it was painful. He no longer had to feel guilty. After all, anything about them in the past wasn’t even Mark’s fault.

Beaming contentedly, he resolved to make the most of this. This life was better for him in the end. And yes, he was stealing it from the other Mark, but how much did he deserve this to begin with? Mark would treat everyone better and with more love, so he couldn’t see what was wrong with that. He was doing him a favour. His only worry was where the other Mark could be. Hopefully nowhere near his own Jackson and his family. Snuggling into Jackson, he knew it.

He could be happy.

A month and a half later, he woke up early in the morning feeling awful. Lurching to the toilet, he barely got there in time to void the contents of his stomach noisily. Bleary-eyed, Jackson was there in seconds tending to him carefully. After that, he went to call work and tell them he couldn’t come in. He really had adjusted to Mark and thrown away his fears, giving him all the love he had to give, which Mark had been so glad about.

Randomly through the day, Mark would be sick again and again. By the next morning when he wasn’t feeling much better, Jackson took him to see a doctor. Sitting in the clinic, the young man listened to all they had to say and took some routine tests. Putting on his glasses, he read over something quickly and put it away before returning his attention to them.

Clearing his throat, he said meekly, “We have the results from the samples we took. Congratulations!” He clapped, and they exchanged a look in bewilderment. “Ah, what I mean is that you are having another baby.”

It finally sunk in and Jackson shrieked a little with excitement, standing up and shouting as he began to dance around. Mark simply sat there in shock, a dumb grin on his face as Jackson pulled him into a hug.

“This is fantastic!” Jackson slid down onto his knees to nuzzle Mark’s stomach which shook as his wife laughed. “Ah, I’m so happy. I’m going to call everyone and tell them.”

“What do you mean this is fantastic?” Mark said edgily, and the dark haired man looked up at him in sudden anxiety. “You idiot – it’s perfect.” He kissed the top of his head. “When will we tell Yueniang?”

“Keep it a secret a little longer. I want to arrange something awesome to tell everyone!” Pausing, he said, “We should do something special. We need lights! Confetti! A giant air balloon that says ‘Markson are having another baby’!”

“You’re always so over the top.” Mark cuddled him, giggling.

He was right, everything had become just as it should have been. And this sealed the deal.

He was not going back. 


	16. Dead Voices

Quietly, he watched the boats chugging down the river. Her hand was warm and small in his, and her smile was the brightest thing he’d ever seen. Peaceful, the wind stirred slightly to send leaves swirling toward them. He took a deep breath and held his daughter closer.

 

She was his daughter, yet she wasn’t. How he felt of her was probably just how her real mother felt. He loved her. She was the light of his life, a gorgeous little girl. The lady of the moon. As she looked at him, her face glowed serenely, porcelain cheeks dusted with a light blush.

 

“Mommy,” Yueniang snuggled into his arms. “I love you.”

 

She would say this again and again everyday, as if sending him a little reminder. In fact, she was almost anxious in the way she simply had to tell him that before she went to school, or before crossing the road, or before he turned out her lights at bedtime. She simply had to let him know she loved him.

He was admiring the ripples of the water when someone called his name, and he looked to the owner of that harmonious voice. There stood Jinyoung with his hands buried in his pockets.

 

“We need to talk.” He said, his voice ragged with a peculiar sort of emotion. He sounded like a starving man who just had his first meal, someone who just survived something awful but didn’t even know who far his relief could take him.

 

Nodding, Mark stood up and Yueniang stood with him. Not long after, they found a nearby playground and let her go have fun while they sat at the side to talk.

 

“You were right, Mark. I’m sad.” He paused, and then he smiled with his eyes full of tears. “No…” He said, his voice shaking. “I’m not. How silly of me. I’m married to the man I love and I have two beautiful kids.” Wiping the tears from his eyes with a sleeve, he postulated, “It must be my imagination. Besides… I just need to get some new curtains for the living room. It’ll look so nice then.”

 

“Curtains?” Mark questioned. He thought back to when he visited the house, how proud of it Jinyoung was.

 

“Yes.” He affirmed happily. “They’re such a nice shade of blue, and the pattern is just lovely. I can’t wait to have them.” Diverting the subject, he said, “Listen, Mark. I hope you understand that I don’t hate you. If I love Jaebum, I will let him do whatever makes him happy. If I love him…” He trailed off, sobs escaping his throat.

 

“Jinyoung,” Taking him into his arms, the other man told him, “I’m not with him. Not anymore. And I’m so sorry for everything that I did to your relationship, to you.”

 

“I’ll be fine.” Jinyoung pulled away, composing himself. “I’m going down to the store on Tuesday to ask about the fabric. Once I get everything neat and tidy, it’ll all be better. Thank you, Mark. He came to me last night and told me everything. Sometimes he does that, comes home and cries and I just hold him in my lap. What else can I do? He cries because his heart is sick in him. But maybe… maybe it’ll heal a bit better now. So… I came to do you a favour. I came to tell you something.”

 

“What is it?” He pressed, curiosity growing alongside his dread.

 

Taking Mark’s hand, Jinyoung warned him, “Keep calm, alright? I know I shouldn’t talk about this, Jaebum said not to. He wants to protect you because he loves you.” His face was terribly miserable as he said that. “In fact, he intends to sort it out himself without you ever having to know. He has suspected this for a while now and I think you need to hear this for yourself. Jackson is – “

 

Everything was blurry. There was a buzzing in his ears. Numbly, he thanked Jinyoung and took Yueniang home. At least, he must have, sitting in the darkness of his room now. He picked up bits and pieces of the conversation afterward and thought that sounded like his voice, so he must have been the one talking. It was almost as if he was a ghost in his own body, lost like he was wandering the empty and dusty rooms of an abandoned house looking for a way out. He could only watch from the window. Only watch. How much of our lives are we in charge of anyways?

 

He knew the reason Jinyoung must obsess so much over appearance. In photographs, you cannot see someone’s circumstances. You can merely see their face and think that they look perfect, that their life must be perfect. In a well-kept house, you do not see the fights or the hurt, you only think they must be happy and lavished with all sorts of luxuries. You don’t see the swept corner and think, _this is where they cowered in fear just two hours earlier._ Or look to the bathroom and realise, _this is where they tried to end it all._

 

His line of thought was, if it all looks perfect then it can and must be perfect. He began to convince himself. The house, how it looked, it was the only thing he had control over in his life anymore. He didn’t have anything. Even surrounded by his family at the dinner table, he must have felt lonely. And Mark pitied him for that.

 

But who really deserved the pity there? Unlocking the drawer, he removed the cassette tape to listen to it again. Although it saddened him greatly, he did not cry. He was too detached now, staring out the rain-streaked window at the smeared lights of the city.

 

He turned when the door creaked, and Jackson was there. How long he’d been there, he had no idea, but he looked nostalgic. Grasping that it was most likely the tape that was getting his husband’s attention, Mark turned it off with a sharp ‘click’.

 

“You’re home.” He said flatly.

 

“Why are you listening to that?” Came the question.

 

“It tells me a lot.” Dully, Mark looked down at the tape, rewinding it. “About me. About us. I want you to hear this.”

 

This was the second thing that was inside the drawer, not the one of the song. It was a tape of them repeating their wedding vows that night, alone in their room together. They sounded full of love and happiness.

 

“I love you. I’ll always love only you, and I’ll treat you better than even god in heaven could.” Jackson said on the tape. “Because you, you’re my heaven.”

 

Then it cut out. There was the faint sound of a fan in the background.

 

“Half past ten in the morning, third of December, 2020. Jackson, when you find this, I’ll be dead.” Immediately, his husband’s face dropped. The Mark on the recording went on. “I recorded this over our wedding vows. I’m sorry. I just… can’t stand to listen to them anymore. It’s too painful. This is my last… my last vow to you.

 

“We can’t all keep our promises, but I like to think we tried. After everything humans go through, we change. We become different to who we were when we thought we could do this. If you asked me six, seven years ago if I was happy. I’d say that I was, but that I was missing you even though you were right there. Because I wanted you to love me too. But now, if you ask me whether I’m happy, I’d say that I’m not. I still miss you. And I’d say that it’s because I’m the one who doesn’t love you anymore, but I know that isn’t true. I know if I did, my breath would stop. My heart would stop. I would cease to be. Remember that story, Farewell to my Concubine?

 

“The concubine followed her king to the very end. He told her to run before the enemy troops killed her, but she refused. She poured him wine and performed the sword dance for him one last time, but at the end she slit her throat with the sword and she died. She wanted to die while she still loved him, when she still had him. I guess… I guess that’s what I want to do. If you’re listening to this, then you woke up and you saw me sleeping next to you for the first time in weeks. We had such a lovely time the night before, didn’t we?

 

“ I apologised for everything, I said I’d make it right. I don’t know what promises you made to me again, but I told you, didn’t I? We can’t all keep our promises. And if you’re listening to this, then I wasn’t really sleeping. When leaving a note, either you give a long speech that’s very profound or you leave something short and poignant. I guess this is long, but it’s only me ranting on and on to myself. I can’t say all the things that really matter to me, the stuff I want to say. I’ll tell you in the next life when we meet again, okay? When we have a second chance to do everything right. So this is the vow I want to make, this is the short and poignant part:

 

“We’ll meet again.”

 

Click.

 

 


	17. Secrets

Silence on both ends. The only sound was of the rain tapping against the glass. Mark didn’t even want to turn around and see the look on Jackson’s face, but he could guess. Shock. Dismay. Grief.

 

Regret.

 

“Mark - ” Jackson started, but was cut off.

 

“I still don’t remember anything, don’t worry.” He said in a low tone. For a long while he said nothing, then he broke down into tears. “Jackson, that was the day before this whole ordeal began. On that morning when I… lost my memories… that was the day I would have died.” Whispering to himself, he added, “But god rescued him.”

“What did you say?” He asked, edging towards him. His face was red and blotchy with tears, and his voice was wavering. “Mark, please… tell me why.” Stumbling, he fell to his knees in front of him.

 

“If it’s why I would try to kill myself, I don’t know. Ask yourself that question.” He returned. “If it’s why I made you listen to this, then again: please. Ask. Yourself. Where were did you go today?”

 

“Work.” The sureness of his answer made Mark’s blood boil.

 

“Wrong. I’ll rephrase that.” Looking down at him coldly, he asked, “His house, his bed – or ours?”

 

Clearly this made his husband’s heart stop with the anxiety, for all he could do was gape. A moment passed, and then came the excuses.

 

“You’re mistaken. I only met him for coffee.” Jackson insisted.

 

Heartbroken and furious, Mark gave him a look and said, “How did you know who I was talking about?”

 

Caught out, Jackson paused. Damn it. By saying that, he just dug his own grave. He should have just feigned ignorance, pretended not to know.

 

“Mark, I swear, I ended it as soon as we got the test results. I didn’t want to do this to you anymore.” He pleaded, grabbing at Mark’s hands but failing as his wife jerked them away. “Don’t do this.”

 

“Don’t do this?” Mark blustered tearfully. “Do you have any right to say that to me? To ask me to treat you kindly and forget about this? This means that the whole time I thought it was all getting better, I was wrong. No wonder. No fucking wonder he – I mean, I tried to kill myself. With a baby, no less. Do you understand how I must have felt to try and kill myself, even with the baby? I loved my children to pieces. I wouldn’t even dare to think of something like that unless I really, truly had my back against the wall.”

 

He stood then, and Jackson fell from his lap to the floor. Not able to bring himself to care, he flung open the wardrobe and started stuffing piles of clothes into a large bag.

 

“What are you doing?” Jackson questioned, bewildered.

 

“I’m not going to throw you out of this house.” He said pointedly. “It’s as good as yours. You can stay here with him as much as you like, go ahead and tell him it’s not over after all. Christ, I can’t believe I trusted you.” Jaebum’s crying face flashed to mind, and he remembered how he broke it off. “So you wouldn’t do the same. Go figure.”

 In a few minutes, he was pulling on his coat and trying to open the door but Jackson was blocking it, begging him to stay. He had just clung to Mark’s arm and tried to hold him back but it wasn’t working.

 

Instead of using force, he whispered heavily, “Let me go.”

 

And he would have been surprised when Jackson actually parted from his side, but his emotions were too haphazard to care. Once outside, he began to run down the hallway. He was waiting for the lift to come when Jackson pounded down the hall after him, having gotten over whatever stopped him earlier. In fact, he barely slipped into the lift in time, hammering the close button with a trembling finger until they slid shut just before Jackson could reach.

 

Backing up against the wall, he crouched on the floor and held back his tears. Where would he go? He hadn’t just done this to be kind to Jackson and let him stay in the house; he wanted to hurt him much deeper. If he left like this, Jackson would be worried sick. He’d come to his senses about how he needs to clean up his act.  In fact, Jackson would have much preferred being thrown out over this.

 

With the baby, he wasn’t willing to actually sleep on the street. He’d been smart about this, he had some money in his pocket but Jackson didn’t know he had any. He also had the phone used for affairs and not his normal one, which he left behind, so Jackson would assume he had no phone either. He didn’t even know anyone’s address, so he’d be on the street completely helpless – as far as Jackson thought. He needed some time to think to himself about his actions towards Mark.

 

Now it made sense how he was so forgiving of Bambam, where he was going all this time. How much Jaebum hated the both of them. As soon as the lift reached the ground floor, he ran to one side and hid in the stairway, peering out the small window to see Jackson emerging a few moments later. He went looking around the lobby for a while, then ran down the side to the car park.

 

Heaving a sigh of relief, Mark dialled Jaebum’s number and was relieved when he picked up.

 

“I’m so sorry to do this, but I really need a place to stay.” He said, his words garbled with the sobs. “Just one night. I’m in the lobby of the apartment building where we stay. In the stairwell.” He felt awful doing this, but it had to be for the good of the baby. Maybe even after a few hours he’d call him just to say he was okay.

 

“I’m coming to pick you up, stay right where you are.”

 

Ah… Jaebum was so kind to him. Even after what happened between the two of them, he’d still do anything for him. He really was a good friend, even if he couldn’t be anything more than that. He sat on the stairs and cried, cried until he couldn’t breathe, clutching the bag to his chest.

 

Mark could hear cars coming in and out for about half an hour, but dared not come out in case he saw Jackson. He didn’t want to see him at all just then. Bawling, his hearing was filled only with the words Jackson said to him earlier, a mish mash of sounds. All he could see was the grey of the staircase warped with teary vision, and he covered his face with his hands.

 

Just then, he felt someone wrap their arms around him and he jumped with fear for a moment. In that same instant, the memory of Jackson in the train station felt like punch to his gut. When he pulled away, tears running down his face, he realised it was Jaebum, not Jackson.

 

“It’s okay.” He soothed him, stroking Mark’s cheek even as he shook his head frantically. “It’ll be alright. Come on, let’s go.”

 

Apologetic, Jinyoung paid close attention to taking care of him and comforting him. He even shooed away his two kids and made them go to their room while he took Mark to the guest room and told him to go to sleep early, because he needed the rest. Helping him to change, he pulled off Mark’s shirt and sat there in silence.

 

“What? What’s wrong?” Mark mumbled, a bit concerned for the way that Jinyoung tensed up.

 

“You had a large birthmark across your chest, on your collarbone, right here.” He touched it like it was alien to him, tracing out the lines. “They were shaped almost like angel wings. Mostly it was brown but some parts were blue.”

 

“That’s… bizarre.” Mark said to himself with a nervous chuckle. “I don’t believe that.”

 

“I was right after all.” Afraid, Jinyoung’s eyes locked onto his like a sniper seeking their target.

 

“You really aren’t Mark Tuan.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always forget to do author's notes ;w; anyways, see you guys again soon!~~~ <3 Thanks for all your love and support <3 And sorry for all the drama ahaha... I'm going to try wrap this up soon but I don't want to leave any loose ends and I want it to progress naturally. After that: SEQUEL!~ <3


	18. Opposites

Unmoving, they watched each other like fighters circling in a ring, just waiting to see who would pounce first. Slowly, Mark put his hands up to show he meant no harm.

 

“I… I got it laser removed.” He lied.

 

Furrowing his brow, Jinyoung replied, “It’s strange how you know about it and how you got it removed. After recent laser treatment, there will be bruising and whitening around the area but your skin is clear. And Jackson wouldn’t have mentioned it to you _unless_ it was recent, because then he’d have to remind you to continue your follow-up care. There’s not really a reason why you’d know about this, and I could go on but I’ll stop here. Heck, I could even call Jackson right now to ask him about it.” Narrowing his eyes, he went on, “Don’t think I’m stupid. Explain yourself.”

Gulping, Mark admitted, “… I just woke up here. I’m not the Mark you know. I’m from an alternate universe.” Taking in Jinyoung’s widening eyes, he grabbed his arm and begged, “Please don’t tell anyone! This is all I ever wanted, to be with Jackson. I’m fixing all the things that your Mark broke, one by one. Isn’t it better this way?”

 

“I can’t say he was my favourite person. I seldom ever liked him.” He jerked his arm away. “And I wouldn’t believe you except the evidence is right here. Both you and I must be crazy.” Shaking his head, he mumbled, “I knew there was no way he could ever be that nice. Even without memories. Must be something genetically rotten about that guy.”

 

“So you won’t tell anyone?” He asked frantically.

 

“I’m not making promises.” Jinyoung stated, getting up off the bed. “But I want you to tell me, in detail who you are. Mess up and I’ll tell everyone. I’m even going to put the police on speed dial. You realise that from my perspective, you’re a stranger masquerading under a false identity. Of course I can’t trust what you say, I have no idea who you are and what you’re capable of.” Walking to the door, he paused for a moment. “I’m going to put Chungae and Chunghee to bed, then I’ll come back and you better not have moved. Oh, and one last thing: stay away from my kids or I’ll brain you.”

 

He closed the door and Mark heaved a sigh of relief. As harsh as Jinyoung was being, it was all reasonable. There was much, much worse ways he could have reacted. Instead, he was basically offering to hear Mark out, and this was a chance to explain himself and earn his trust. Besides, if someone he thought he knew turned out to be a stranger claiming to be from another universe, he would most definitely keep them away from his children unless they proved that they were harmless.

 

After Jinyoung came back, Mark told him about his story from the beginning. He started from the day he woke up and his experiences, though he kindly omitted all the drama between him and Jaebum. Everything of importance was relayed to Jinyoung, who nodded intently as he listened.

 

“That makes sense. Perhaps you were both in a similarly bad situation that night, and something happened to swap you. Either way, our Mark is one of two options: dead; or rampaging through your universe.” He concluded, then he looked down at his hands. “Say… Mark Impostor or whatever… what are things like, where you come from? That you want to keep quiet and stay here so badly?”

 

“You’re all much happier. _We’re_ all much happier. Got7 is still together. So it must seem stupid that I’m here but then… there’s Jackson. Where I’m from he doesn’t know that I love him.” Sadly, he smiled and said, “Pathetic, right? He’s with Bambam, but I suppose maybe it isn’t too different after all. In the end, actually… I don’t care as long as I have him. Even if he doesn’t love me with all his heart, just some of it is okay.”

 

“I understand how you feel, Mark Impostor, but I think we’re different in that sense. I wouldn’t give in to someone else’s broken reality just because I had a relationship with Jaebum there, for one reason. Because I really, really love him.” He reasoned. “So even if someone else had the same name and face, I wouldn’t accept it because he still isn’t the Jaebum I fell in love with. For you, it’s because you love Jackson so much that you’re willing to do this. I won’t lecture you, but I don’t think this is wise.”

 

“The truth is…” Mark confessed. “I’m pregnant. I can’t go back now, can I? If I do, I’ll ruin Got7. And this child… wouldn’t have their father. I couldn’t do that. Besides, I love Jackson. No matter what, I can’t leave him.”

 

Sighing, Jinyoung turned away and said, “Have it your way. I won’t tell anyone unless I have to. It’s better having you over our Mark after all, and if I let Jaebum know then I’m sure I’ll have many new problems to deal with. I don’t think I could handle that.” At the doorway, he was cloaked half in darkness as he added, “There’s a phone at the bedside table. I sincerely suggest that you call Jackson now before he goes crazy with the guilt and worry. I suspect you went missing like this to do that to him but please consider hearing him out. You didn’t cheat on him, but since you’ve assumed our Mark’s identity, it comes with his responsibilities.”

 

“He doesn’t even know about that.” Mark objected. “So he’s doing it without even the excuse that it’s been done to him, he wasn’t even aware. There’s no reason from his perspective that justifies what he’s done.”

 

“True.” He agreed. “But he loves you, so please tell him that you’re alright. You’re pregnant right? Congratulations. But what that means is that it’s really dangerous for you. He must be terrified right now. Just give him a call – I left the contacts book in the drawer for you to use.”

 

Once he left, Mark did as he was told and opened the drawer. Flicking through the pages, he found Jackson’s number easily and dialled it. He was tense as he heard the buzz of the rings one after the other, waiting for Jackson to pick up.

 

“Hello?” Came the voice, strained and small. Not like Jackson at all.

 

Pained, Mark said, “Jackson.” As soon as he spoke he heard a relieved murmur on the other end. “Don’t worry, I’m at Jaebum and Jinyoung’s house. I’ll come home tomorrow morning, okay? And we can talk about it then.”

 

“I’m so sorry.” His husband babbled on the other side, wrought with tears. “I’m so sorry. I knew I should never have done that to you. And to think…” Mark knew that he was thinking back to that tape from earlier. “I almost lost you and I didn’t even notice. Or maybe I did, I just didn’t care. I love you, Mark. I love you with all my heart and please don’t ever think otherwise; I love you even though I don’t deserve to and I always will so please, please, _please_ give me another chance.”

 

“Jackson.” He inhaled. “We need to talk this over. I won’t leave you… I can’t. I don’t know what I’ll do.” He could feel heat gathering at his eyes as pearls of salt rolled down his cheeks. “I’m trapped. And it’s up to you, it’s all up to you whether I’ll be happy or not. I can’t leave you. I can’t kill myself. I can’t cheat on you. I can’t bring myself to do any of these things. I’ll stay with you forever, no matter how much it hurts me. So if you love me… it’s up to you how you want me to live. Happily… or in silent suffering. I’ll… I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you.”

 

With that, he hung up and rolled over to go to sleep. It took a while to go to sleep, but after a few hours he was dreaming about being back home. The walls were decorated brightly with red ornaments and pussy willows sat in tall lacquered pots. Wasn’t this… Chinese New Year?

 

As he looked around him he saw all his family sitting around the table eating food. There were his parents and Joey too, and he began to get choked up upon seeing them. The doorbell rang and one of his sisters answered it to find Jackson there, who went straight to the kitchen to unpack the bags of food he’d brought.

 

Laughing brightly, he walked over to his mother and said, “Who invited Jackson?”

 

No answer. Nobody even looked at him. Reaching out, he tried to touch Joey on the shoulder only to pass right through him. A chill went down his spine. His vision began to spin and his breath was coming short. Panicking, he yelled and yelled but nobody knew he was there.

 

“So how is everybody?” Jackson called as he walked over and passed right through Mark. It was a horrible feeling.

 

He felt like he was going to throw up when someone else behind him said, “I’m here!”

 

And he turned around to face someone who looked exactly like him. The whole family welcomed this fake Mark and began to speak animatedly to him, giving him hugs and well wishes. No, no, no! Petrified, Mark began to shout, to try and try to get them to hear him, to tell them that that wasn’t him, but he was like a ghost.

 

Then the fake turned to look at him with a sinister smile, his eyes dark and shining like the insidious, murky black water at the bottom of a well. He stared right at him and grinned, revealing sharp teeth like a predators all lined up in a toothy smile as the blackness spread to cloud the whites of his eyes like ink in water. All around him, everyone didn’t even see it. They didn’t see what monster they had just invited in. He opened his mouth and as he spoke, foul, poisonous green gas poured from his maw to fill the room.

 

Under a green ocean, Mark could hear the monster’s laughter as a murky, faraway growl as Jackson and his family began to drown in the watery abyss; choking and spluttering with each hacking cough bringing up blood. Suddenly, the noise died.

 

“Be careful.” It said, its voice soft and low and twisted with sadness like an abandoned old tree.

 

Then Mark woke up, panting and soaked in a cold sweat. Outside the rain continued, and he closed his eyes so as not to see the dark shadows of the room. Just in case something was there. He didn’t want to see it. The voice of the creature from his dream still rang in his ears.

 

Was it a threat – or a _warning_?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is still ongoing so here is where you can take part in the poll to decide the ending!  
> http://www.asianfanfics.com/poll/aff_view/109693  
> Should Mark go home or stay?


	19. Nostalgia

Okay, so he was still shaking from the dream even as he was ushered back into the house. He knew that it was just a culmination of his darkest fears, and it made him want to give up and go home, to get that other Mark far away from his family, but he didn’t even know how to. Besides, for all he knew, other Mark could have been just as petrified about what he was doing here. And it was true; he was lying to everyone as well so he wasn’t all too different.

 

Sitting on the couch, he took a sip of the tea that Jackson placed in front of him and motioned for his husband to sit down. Luckily, Yueniang had just been sent to tuition and she’d been unaware of the events that night.

 

“Jackson, did you think about what I said?” He pressed worriedly.

 

With a pause, Jackson murmured, “Yes. I’m changing, Mark. What do you expect me to do? No, I mean… I told you that I’ve ended it with him. You’ve forgotten all the good times we had, so please have a bit of empathy. You’ve forgotten me, what kind of person I’m like. I’ve never…” This seemed hard for him to say, but he managed to get the words out. “I’ve never put Bambam above you. I understand it hurts to hear that I cheated on you, and I’m a despicable person for that, but what’s done is done. It’s up to you what you want to do from here.”

 

“No, it’s not.” His thoughts raced to his own Jackson back home, and how he had no control over any of what was happening him. He was unable to leave this Jackson emotionally and unable to leave this world physically. “Don’t give me the responsibility for this. Look, I know this has all been hard but from the very start I’ve been scared and confused. Then when I thought things were improving, this gets sprung on me. I’m willing to look past this if only you promise to reflect on your actions. I won’t stop you from doing what makes you happy but if you love me, you’ll choose the right thing to do. There isn’t much more to say.”

 

“Mark…” Jackson tried to find the words to fix what he had done, to make Mark feel better. Instead, he got up and enveloped him in a bone-crushing hug. “I love you. I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.” He exhaled slowly. “I forgive you.”

 

From that point on, Bambam all but vanished from their lives. He was not mentioned by any of their friends nor was he invited to any of the many get-togethers. Until…

 

By then, the morning sickness still hadn’t gone away and the doctor warned that in his case, Mark could actually have it for the full pregnancy. Unfortunately, it was now week nine and the awful nausea was at its peak. He was barely able to do much half the day, or keep much down, and because Jackson had to attend work, it was Jinyoung and Youngjae who spent all their time caring for him.

 

They’d grown much closer as friends, and even their children were now getting along splendidly – in the past they hadn’t had many chances to meet because of the friction between everyone and Mark. Jinyoung was always there for Mark to pour his heart out to someone about his concerns about both staying here and going back, his relationship with Jackson and fears of the other Mark… no matter what it was, Jinyoung knew when to comfort him and when to give advice. In fact, the two of them were very tightly knit because of their shared secret.

 

Thus, they were ecstatic when Jackson asked Mark to perform a song at an upcoming function where the pregnancy would be announced, and to his surprise, he was asked to sing. He reminded his husband that he was a rapper, not a strong singer at all, only to be rebutted with a laugh.

 

“What are you talking about?” Jackson chortled. “You’re the best singer I know. You were our trump vocal in the group, you used to impress all the other idols. Your rapping was… well anyways, just to let you know, it has to be a classy song. Preferably Teresa Teng would go down well – hey, why don’t you sing ‘the moon reflects my heart’?”

 

He had a sinking feeling as he was cornered into agreeing. After all, he didn’t have too much of a reason not to. While he wanted to be a good wife and perform so Jackson could show off how talented the man he married was… how could he do that if he couldn’t sing? He’d just be an embarrassment and he’d ruin the celebration that Jackson had planned for him. Not to mention how he was constantly under the weather due to the difficult pregnancy and horrendous morning sickness.

 

But when the day came, he felt a bit more confident than before. He’d received much coaching from his best friends and felt he’d improved a lot, and even though he wouldn’t be as good as everyone expected, it could all be chalked up to not feeling well. Jinyoung even helped him with a lots of tips to keep the morning sickness firmly under control that day so he was feeling a lot better.

 

When he walked out onto the stage, dressed smartly but comfortably in a black and white grid shirt and a pink blazer, he was giddy at the applause. Finally, he could perform again. He could do this. He’d done this a million times before, and in front of many more people. He was adjusting the microphone happily when he looked up at the sound of the door opening. And there, waltzing in to take a seat next to Jackson at the VIP table… was Bambam.

 

His stomach lurched and plummeted as if down an abyss, the coolness draining from him fast. His hands were shaking as a hushed buzz fell on the room, people confused as to why he wasn’t starting yet. To the side, Jinyoung was nervously motioning to him to see whether he should start the music. Mark had to introduce himself and the song he was singing first. Plucking up the courage, his fright started to be swallowed up by the sudden heated anger pumping his heart with adrenaline.

 

“Good evening everyone.” He purred into the microphone. “My name is Mark Wang-Tuan, I’m the lovely wife of Jackson that I’m sure you’ve all heard about.” Blank looks and silence. Oh for god’s sake, hadn’t he ever even introduced Mark to any of his colleagues or associates? Glossing over it, Mark said, “I’ll be singing a classic of Teresa Teng tonight called - ” Jinyoung got ready to hit play, but was thrown into a state of disorder by what Mark said next. “What Do You Have to Say.”

 

Gaping at him, his friend made all sorts of gestures trying to get him to correct himself, thinking he got the title wrong. Instead, Mark nodded assuredly at him, and gulping, Jinyoung frantically scrambled to play the music.

 

Within moments, the sound of the instruments filled the hall as the audience clapped, leaving Jackson looking puzzled and a bit taken aback. Clearly, he hadn’t even heard this song before, so he was very lost.

 

“I didn’t forget you, you forgot me.” Mark crooned, his melodious voice ringing out with emotion. “Even my name, you say it completely wrong. It proves you’re always lying to me about everything.” He glanced Jackson’s way, to find him looking uncomfortable where he sat, with Bambam irritatingly close to him. “Let’s see what you have to say today.”

 

Whatever the two of them were doing, Jackson was being put on the spot. He knew the reason why Mark had changed the song and who it was directed at, and he was avoiding eye contact at all costs.

 

“You said you’d come see me after two days. I waited for more than a year. 365 days didn’t pass easily.” Mark thought of both his experiences of being ignored by Jackson, and how lonely the other Mark must have felt – for years. “I’m simply not in your heart at all, so please give my love back to me.”

 

At the music interlude, he leant back for a gulp of air before continuing back into the song. All through his performance, Jackson was fidgety and inattentive, until he managed to break free of Bambam to go to the toilet. During the chorus, Mark made eye contact with Bambam sitting there and immediately regretted it. The look he was given was of bitter hatred, wrapped up in a condescending sneer.

 

“Thank you.” He bowed to the uproarious applause, and went off-stage to meet his friends.

 

“That was amazing.” Youngjae said, in awe. “One way of telling someone off for cheating.”

 

“I thought you said he stopped?” Jinyoung asked, quirking an eyebrow. “That was six weeks ago. I really hope that for all this time…”

 

“I hope so too. And later, I’ll get a chance to talk to him about it, not here in front of all these people. I’m glad I did that… otherwise we’d never be able to bring up the topic. He always makes me feel guilty for it so I felt he needed a little push.” He explained.

 

“Well, I went to snoop at their table.” Giving everybody a fright, Yugyeom practically appeared behind the two. “I don’t know if they’ve been seeing each other still, but I can tell you that Bambam wasn’t invited. I don’t know why Jackson hasn’t gotten rid of him though.”

 

“As far as you know, he wasn’t officially invited.” Mark surmised. “He wasn’t on the guest list so he either snuck in or got permission from Jerkson secretly.”

 

“Jerkson?” Youngjae echoed, not fully getting the English pun.

 

“Um, never mind.” Mark waved it off. “I’ll go and sit at the table… Jackson was supposed to come up after my song but he wasn’t even there. Yugyeom, can you go and let the schedule planner know that we’ll slot in another performance? I’ll tell Jackson that we can just make the announcement after that.”

 

Although he was curious as to what the announcement was, Yugyeom didn’t ask, he just agreed and went on his way. The atmosphere was tense when he got to the table. Bambam had taken his seat – no wonder everyone was particularly befuddled when Mark said he was Jackson’s wife. They were even holding hands under the table; Jackson snatched his quickly away as his pregnant spouse approached. Wordlessly, Mark pulled a spare chair out from a nearby table and sat down a bit out from the table because there wasn’t any space.

 

“Since you left, I’ve arranged for another song.” He said tonelessly. “Remember to come up when it’s done.”

 

“Your singing was awful.” Bambam remarked, sniggering. “I don’t even have words to describe it. You were complete shit… but at least it was funny watching you crash and burn on stage in front of so many people, making a fool of yourself.”

 

“That’s nice Bambam.” He said offhandedly. “Though you must relate to my situation, having done the same your whole career.”

 

Jackson had to restrain Bambam from the punch, which stopped just inches away from Mark’s face. In the tussle, he knocked a glass over and the red wine soaked Mark’s white jeans, but he didn’t let Bambam win. He kept his face indifferent to the hoots of laughter and got up, picking up a silk napkin with him to hold over the stain and going backstage to find where Jinyoung and Youngjae were chilling away from the crowd. Jaebum was outside on the balcony enjoying a drink and talking to some friends.

 

“What do I do?” He cried as soon as he was out of Bambam’s sight. He looked awful, like he just had his period. The tears were coming fast. The night was a complete disaster and he still had to go up on stage to perform before long.

 

“Here, let’s swap.” Youngjae unzipped his pants and began to tug them off, to their surprise. “We’re the same height, so it should be a close fit.” He stood there in his underwear, holding them out to Mark. “Come on, change quickly. Jinyoung can make sure nobody comes.”

 

Jumping to his feet, Jinyoung ran to the bottom of the stairs to stand guard while Mark accepted the trousers after much pressure from Youngjae.

 

“Aish, you two idiots.” He grumbled.

 

In a flash, the exchange was complete and Mark hurried onstage just as Youngjae called out, “Wait! What’s the song?”

 

“You won’t have it.” He said with a smile, taking his place in the centre. Taking a deep breath, he began, “ _Hajima hajihajihajihajima…”_ Immediately moved from singing such a dear song to him, one that he and all his friends used to sing together in the good old days, he went on with the dance moves. He was still able to do them, luckily for him, and although there was no backup music, he didn’t lose faith.

 

Suddenly, he heard the lines echoed and he turned around to find Jinyoung and Youngjae there behind him. They urged him to continue with grins on their faces, and he felt bad as he realised suddenly that Youngjae had just come on with the wine stained jeans, but he had to do this now.

 

When the song was over, Jackson came up and hugged him, praising him for his talent. Then, he gave a short speech.

 

“… So thank you all for coming. Now, my beautiful wife and I have something very special to tell you all today.” He reached around and put a hand on Mark’s belly, and he flushed at the touch. “We’re having another baby!”

 

Everyone was cheering and there was an outburst of clapping, with the occasional whistle from the crowd.

 

Bambam ran from the room crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!~~~ <3 Yup, more drama even in this chapter ^^ we'll talk more about Bambam next time!  
> Also, the poll is in the overwhelming favour of going back - I'm going to wrap it all up in the next few so the plan will probably take another four chapters or so to complete (to properly get the effect I was going for). And then you'll all find out whether he will go back or not~~~ Thanks again for having supported me this far <3 <3 <3 a


	20. Change

“Why the hell would you do that?”

 

Came the response he had totally expected from his best friends, both with gobsmacked faces at the suggestion.

 

“No offense, Mark-hyung,” Jinyoung said. “But that’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard since Jaebum thought it was a good idea to take me to an amusement park as an early mother’s day celebration. While I was pregnant.”

 

“Ooh, I forget about that.” Youngjae said sympathetically. “Didn’t you end up becoming best friends with one of the fish in the tanks because you were so bored?”

 

“Yeah so back to what you were saying – that’s _way_ worse.” He brushed it off. “We’re not going to help you arrange a meeting with _Bambam_. Crazy isn’t enough to describe him, he’s so off the rails.”

 

“Besides, he’d never even agree to it!” Youngjae added to the argument.

 

Shaking his head, Mark insisted, “I have to speak to him too. Now that I’ve gained assurance from Jackson… I’d like to finally hear his motives. Why he did this to me. And no, he wouldn’t – so I’m going to send him a message as Jackson.”

 

At least now he knew that Bambam really hadn’t been invited, he had simply shown up and thrown a tantrum until Jackson allowed him in, under the condition that he behaved. Which he hadn’t.

 

He produced Jackson’s phone, and while he felt guilty for taking it, he needed it to execute his plan. Anyways, Jackson wouldn’t be missing it until later since he had about four different phones for different purposes.

 

“That’s so cool.” Youngjae noted. “You’re like… a spy.”

 

Chuckling at his childishness, Mark typed out the proposal to Bambam. It was hard finding some way of convincing him to come without getting his hopes up. That would just be cruel.

 

_Mooks, we need to meet. I have something to talk to you about. Today at 2pm, at our usual café._

 

Within a few minutes he received a reply.

 

_I don’t want to come. Go enjoy life with your bitch of a wife._

 

Although irate at the negative mention of himself, he had to try and pretend not to mind it so much. After all, then Bambam would realise that something was off or he’d become so annoyed that he really wouldn’t consider coming.

 

_Please. Give me a chance. I want to know why you’re hurting; I don’t want to see you like this._

 

It wasn’t a lie, he did still care very much about Bambam, despite all that the younger had done. Maybe it was just out of affection for his own Bambam, but he had some semblance of sympathy of this one.

 

_Fine. You had better be there._

 

Ah, it came as no surprise to see his face full of anger and shock when Mark was there instead. He looked around for Jackson, but when he wasn’t there, he stormed over to the table and grabbed Mark by the collar.

 

“What are _you_ doing here?” He hissed, inches away from his face.

 

“Please, sit down. I want to speak to you.” He waited until Bambam slid into his chair with a suspicious look. “Kunpimook, I’d like to hear what your side of the story is. I heard about your mother and the scandal and I’m so sorry about that. On the other hand… why do you hate me so much? Is it because I’m married to your ex?”

 

Banging his fist on the table and making Mark jump, Bambam spat, “You don’t know shit!” To Mark’s astonishment, tears began to well up in the younger boy’s eyes as he went on, “So you know he broke up with me, right? It was all your fault. He broke up with me to date you. And that can only mean you were coming onto him, flirting with him… He wasn’t there for me because of you. I wanted to die because of you two assholes.”

 

“What?” The question slipped from his lips. Had he been misinterpreting Bambam? Even if his actions were inexcusable, they weren’t hard to understand if he had good reasons. “Kunpimook… I’m so sorry.”

 

There was a long silence.

 

“I’m going back to Thailand.” He said quietly, startling Mark. “I don’t care anymore. I love him but if he has you, then the only way to help myself is to stay away from him. I don’t want to live anymore… it’s just like back then isn’t it? How many times is this going to happen? It was my fault for pulling him in, leading him on, making him feel guilty so he would stay with me. And now… he’s leaving me again for you. I’m stupid.”

 

Saddened for him, Mark put a hand on Bambam’s shoulder and was slapped away.

 

“You… You don’t have to go to Thailand.” Mark insisted. Bambam must have also felt ostracised from all the other members, since they all refused to speak to him. He didn’t even have any other friends in Korea, so Jackson was pretty much his only pillar of support.

 

“Oh, I do. Staying here would cause problems for him. I just thought… I mattered as much as you. But now that you have the baby again after you’ve changed, that’s out of the question. I just thought I would mean as much.” He cursed. “I need to go home and think. It’s better if I disappear, isn’t it?”

 

“No, it’s not!” Mark suddenly found himself trying to comfort the other man but was interrupted before he could go on.

“Shit…” He laughed with tears streaming down his face, hand buried in his hair. “Life is just too complicated and humans are just too simple. Abortion is illegal in South Korea. I’m just going to have to go home, right? I’m not even sure what I want to do. Or what I _can_ do…”

 

“What do you mean abortion?” The Taiwanese felt an uncomfortable ache in his heart as he realised what Bambam meant. Oh god… “Does Jackson know?”

 

Rubbing tears from his eyes, he said, “I told him… and when I saw his face I knew what I had to do. I can’t do this to him in the end, tie him down and ruin his life. So I assured him I’m going back to Thailand. He asked what I would do with the baby and I thought I would get an abortion… Until I thought about her little face and eyes… how she would call my name. You know, finally I would have the chance for at least one person in my life to love me. I thought once I told Jackson about her, he would stay with me. I’m just stupid.”

 

“I’m so sorry.” Mark said, and he could feel a lump forming in his throat over Bambam’s plight.

 

“I named her Suchin… because everything I dreamed that she would bring, the happiness I thought we could have is just a beautiful thought. She’s beautiful too. She’s the most beautiful thing a creature like me can have.” He rubbed his stomach sadly. “I’m actually five months pregnant but I wear loose clothes to hide it. Jackson doesn’t know that abortion is illegal in Thailand too… thankfully. I’m still stuck on what I should do with her when I can’t even take care of myself. And if I really kill myself… I don’t want it to be her at the same time. Who knows?” He chuckled sadly. “When I go for the abortion, I could also die.”

 

“Please don’t do this.” He grabbed the younger boy’s hand, who didn’t resist this time. “I can help you find a way.”

 

“Mark… You know what, I want you to understand that I’m not evil. I don’t hate you for no reason. You were the reason Jackson and I broke up… the reason why Got7 broke up. You violently attacked a fan and after they sued, you barely escaped with a fine and short few weeks in jail. Not only that, but newspapers came out saying that you had been sleeping around with several different men and with that, our careers were over. You managed to drag us down with you. You even spread rumours about us so we couldn’t go back to the entertainment industry and make it big like before. You ruined our lives.”

 

Feeling guilty, Mark had to reassure himself that it wasn’t him that did this. Otherwise he’d go insane from the guilt sitting in that little café, he’d lose control. He’d probably have a panic attack actually, and he couldn’t trust anyone here to handle him properly if that happened.

 

“Bambam… I don’t know what to say.”

 

“One last time, I’ll talk to him. He at least deserves to know what happens to me… then I’ll be gone forever.” Bambam remarked in a quiet voice. “And Jackson… well, in his case, he deserves not to know.”

 

Although confused by that statement, Mark decided to write it off and pulled Bambam into a bone-crushing hug. And instead of responding with a punch like Mark would have anticipated… he broke down into racking sobs, crying and crying in the middle of the café without even caring what people thought.

 

After Mark got back, his two friends were dying to hear what had happened, but he refused to tell them. It was up to Bambam, and he didn’t have the right to go around betraying what little trust the latter had in him.

 

“You two,” Youngjae blurted suddenly, a huge grin on his face and eyes bright like Mark hadn’t ever seen before. “I can’t wait.”

 

“For what?” Jinyoung asked disinterestedly, assuming it was something weird again like a huge sale or maybe a new animal at the zoo.

 

“I was meant to tell you guys next week at the party – gosh, you don’t even know about the party itself yet – but I can’t wait. I’ve been trying to keep it quiet but we just found out and I’m like literally so happy…”

 

“What is it?” Both friends probed in unison, curiosity eating at them.

 

“I mean I was so scared… after the first time, I didn’t want to try again. We waited a long, long time… then we gave it another go. I was so happy… and then it all went wrong, just like last time. It was too early. I knew something was wrong. Something was very wrong. Then the third time, Yugyeom said he had a feeling. And I don’t know what that feeling was, but it was wrong too.

 

“And the fourth time, we thought it would finally work. But when Sarang was born, she was premature and died shortly after. She was the only one who was born alive. I thought… I thought it would finally… Oh that just destroyed me. I thought I could never smile again.” Youngjae began to cry, wiping his tears away.

 

Thrown by this drastic change in topic, Mark and Jinyoung were too busy comforting Youngjae than to ask any more questions.

 

“And there are complications this time around. You’re wrong Jinyoung, _this_ is the most stupidest thing you’ve ever heard. I’m pregnant again. I know what you’re thinking, why would I put myself through this… half of me wants to keep this quiet and not make a big deal of it just in case I have another miscarriage, but the other half of me knows. I love this child. I’m not going to pretend he never existed if anything happens to him, just because it hurts me. I love him more than that. They found that I have a weak cervix which is causing these late miscarriages and premature births so I have to undergo an operation to put a stitch in place…”

 

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Mark enquired. “It can be fixed right?”

 

“There are risks. It can cause bleeding or infections… It can make my contractions start and can result in miscarriage or premature labour.” He murmured. “But it’s my only hope. In my opinion, it’s not going to do much worse than what would already happen without it.”

 

“Youngjae…” Jinyoung reached out and touched his stomach.

 

“It’s going to be alright.” Mark said firmly, and they both turned to look at him. “I just have a feeling.”

 

Smiling, Youngjae took his hand and held it. His touch was warm and soft, and Mark squeezed back encouragingly. Things were going to turn out alright. Everything would turn out alright.

 

It had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, we are now reaching the ending!~  
> Just a few notes~~ I'm goint to use the next chapter to round everything off. I might need another two to try and create something closer to the desired effect ^^ Basically, all Mark's problems and the problems of those around him are starting to lessen (except in the case of Bambam, but we'll see how that goes).


	21. Acceptance

Just a few weeks later, he was in Jackson’s arms watching Yueniang play happily in the water with Jinyoung and Jaebum’s kids, who they were babysitting for the day. They had gone to the waterpark and the two grownups were resting in the shallows of the children’s play area together.

 

Lying with his head on Jackson’s chest, Mark leant up for a loving kiss before settling back down where he was. He could feel Jackson’s chest rise with each breathe, hear the beat of his heart.

 

“I love you.” Jackson ruffled his hair and pressed a kiss to the top of his head, his other hand wandering to Mark’s stomach as the former shifted up to invite the touch.

 

“I love you too.” He kissed his cheek affectionately. “With all my heart.”

 

They walked around hand-in-hand, leading the children with them, until they got to the meeting point and passed them over to Yugyeom and Youngjae who insisted they wanted some parenting experience (but really wanted Mark and Jackson to be able to have a nice date to themselves).

 

Eventually they found a quiet cove in an older area of the park and sat down in the shade, legs dipped into the water. Although he didn’t want to spoil such a nice day out, he had to find out from Jackson now why he treated Bambam in such a way.

 

“Jackson,” He edged, and immediately his husband turned to look at him with eyes full of adoration. It was so hard to go on, but he forced himself to do it. This was for the better. He recounted all that he had heard from Bambam, watching Jackson’s face darken. “Why did you do all that to him? And then cheat on me?”

 

With a sigh, he replied, “I knew I would have to explain this sometime.” Deflated, he looked at the glimmering water. “I shouldn’t have done that to him, but I was confused. I loved both of you… I didn’t know what to do. I’m an asshole.”

 

After a long pause, his grip on Mark’s hand tightened and he continued, “I loved you a lot. It wasn’t fair to Bambam to stay with him if I had lost interest, and to leave it any longer. I ended up blurting it out at the worst time possible; we had an argument - one thing led to another and it just came out. He threw me out of the room we shared and you offered to let me stay in yours instead. He must have misunderstood what happened since he was already insecure about you always coming and talking to me, he thought you were flirting. And to be honest you were a pretty amorous person in general… your sex appeal was huge, to say the least.”

 

Blushing red to his ears, Mark coughed a little and said, “Wow. Okay.”

 

“Yeah.” Jackson nodded with a sad smile, remembering what had once been. “We started dating a while after that but he must have thought it started sooner… It was actually you who confessed to me and asked me out. I was on the rebound and agreed, at first thinking you weren’t serious – you never seemed to be serious when it came to relationships – and that once Bambam saw this he would come back to me. I guess it had the opposite effect because he was mistaken.”

 

“Then what happened?” Mark prompted during the hesitation.

 

“Well, things turned out great with you at first. You were much kinder than I thought before and we grew close… perhaps a little too close. I saw things about you I hadn’t known before. After a long time of going steady with you, you had become completely dependent on me emotionally, and would tell me constantly how much you loved me. I loved you just as much so I always reassured you I wouldn’t leave you, and I didn’t. But over the years… you kept getting worse.” He explained contritely.

 

Jackson gushed on, “I’m so sorry. I became afraid of you, even hated you at times, for something you couldn’t help. Mostly because you were always a mess and sometimes, you lost your damn mind. I began to avoid you and we barely spoke… I guess you needed somebody to rely on and I simply wasn’t there. I suspected you were cheating; I just had a feeling. I should have trusted you more.”

 

 _No, you shouldn’t have,_ Mark thought to himself, but he understood now why his other self had sought the company of Jaebum and most likely fallen in love with him as a consequence. He was lacking any kind of vital support that he needed at home.

 

“Because of that, after another GOT7 reunion dinner, I caught Bambam as he was leaving and apologised, saying I realised that the one I loved was him. I said…” He choked up. “I said I didn’t love you anymore, and I’d just been tricked by you. But I couldn’t leave either because you’d kill yourself without me. So I got into a relationship with him and kept it secret. I told myself that I didn’t leave you because you needed me and would commit suicide otherwise, but I think I still loved you at the same time.

 

“Besides, Yueniang really sealed the deal on having to stay. I felt trapped. When I was with Bambam everything was okay… I would have gone crazy if I didn’t have that window of escape. Every single day I got home it would be screaming and crying and fighting and I would have to stand there and just take all of it. The hitting, the scratching, the insults, the objects thrown at me… I felt so helpless. I hated you and I admit… I began to mistreat you out of fear. By ignoring you, by not helping you. When you made me listen to that tape I really realised how much of an asshole I’ve been to you all these years, how much you were hurting and how much you hated yourself because you felt responsible for something you couldn’t help – and I made you feel that way. All along you were even lonelier and scared and trapped than I was.”

 

Heartbroken, Mark pulled Jackson into his arms and let his husband cry into his shoulder. How could something like this happen? How could Mark ever treat Jackson like that… unless. He did know that the other Mark had depression and anxiety, which meant there was a possibility of other mental illnesses. In that case, what happened was extremely unfortunate for everyone involved. No one was at fault. This was just life.

 

“Come on, it’s alright. I forgive you.” He knew he wasn’t the one who should be doing that, but he could tell that that was what the other Mark would have wanted. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Nobody did.”

 

“I love you.” Jackson said brokenly, as if he couldn’t do much else. “I really do. I always have, even if I didn’t want to at times.”

 

“I love you too.” He kissed him passionately then, and found it returned twice as strong.

 

After a long while they broke apart gasping for air, and laughed.

 

“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in my whole life.” He gazed at Mark, running a hand down from his neck to his stomach and making the other blush. “And the mother of my two wonderful children.”

 

“Ah, we haven’t thought of a name yet.” He reminded. “Who got to name Yueniang last time?”

 

“Hmm… It was me actually.” Jackson pondered. “So you get to choose this time.”

 

“Me?” Mark paused, thinking long and hard. “If it’s a girl, I want to name her Qiuyue. And if it’s a boy, Yong Ai.”

 

“Autumn moon and eternal love?” Jackson grinned at him. “You’re such a hopeless romantic.”

 

“I was thinking Juxiang but I thought that it didn’t match Yueniang’s name that well. Oh well. I’ll ask our friends later.” He got up, reaching out to help Jackson up too. “Xueyue is also nice isn’t it? Snow moon. We’ll see what the baby is like when it is born. I don’t want to know the gender yet.”

 

 

“Fair enough.” Jackson dipped him into a kiss and Mark could feel the butterflies swirling around in his belly.

 

They reunited with the others and later, at the gift store, Jackson got Yueniang the biggest stuffed toy that Mark had ever seen. Her father spent a long time choosing with her; perusing the items with a careful eye, lifting her onto his shoulders so she could get a better look – of course it was just a joking front. He already knew she wanted that gigantic stingray plush, no matter how much she insisted she didn’t want anything.

 

Later that night, in the car on the way home, Mark said gently, “You should go and talk it over with Bambam.” At the shocked expression, he clarified, “I know that you are afraid of doing so in case it looks like you’re breaking my trust. I have faith in you. And I know that Bambam deserves closure too. You both loved each other, I guess. It wouldn’t be fair for either of you to part like this. You have to do it kindly… as a last nod to what you once shared.”

 

“Thank you.” Jackson choked over tears, trying to keep his eyes fixed on the road so he wouldn’t have to look at Mark. “It’s not that I don’t care about him anymore, I just…”

 

“I know what you mean. You love him, but not like that.” He hummed knowingly. “Mother’s intuition. We know everything, even when it isn’t about our kids.”

 

“You know, every time I said I loved you, I really wasn’t lying.” Jackson emphasised. “You were my everything. I’m sorry I couldn’t have been better to you. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. And I won’t explain all that you used to do, how it felt like… I don’t want to make you feel guilty over something that isn’t your fault, because I know you will.”

 

“I… Thank you.” He didn’t want to push it, knowing that part of the reason could be that it was too painful for Jackson to speak about yet.

 

Looking to the moon above, he sighed. After such a long journey, he’d finally found peace. He looked at Jackson, who glanced back at him and returned him smile for smile – which he hadn’t even been aware of. It seemed that simply looking at Jackson made him happy, so happy he couldn’t contain it.

Yes, there had been bumps in the road, but things were good now. He had Yueniang and his best friends, he had Jaebum and Yugyeom, he had _Jackson_. They all loved and cared for one another, and that was enough. Even if he decided to go back, which he didn’t want in the slightest, the baby immediately ruled that out. He would have to get rid of it against his will once the company found out, or start a scandal and ruin Got7’s career. He didn’t want that.

 

If he had already had the baby by the time he went back… it meant leaving behind his child. And he couldn’t do that. Luckily, he was content. He had all his friends happy together, but most of all, he was married to Jackson in a loving relationship with one beautiful daughter and another child on the way.

 

He wondered if the moon here was the same as the one back home. Yes, on the surface it looked alike, but he had never paid attention to its miniscule details before. Maybe this moon had a different pattern on it, a crater that wasn’t there before or some missing. Jackson was much the same. He looked alike, and at first, you would think they acted similarly. Either their personalities were different, or circumstances forced him to become this way.

 

Besides, he couldn’t help being here anyway. He’d arrived here randomly and for no reason, so there wasn’t a way of figuring out a way to go back intentionally. Jinyoung knew of his story; though something told him that the other man would keep it a secret for the rest of his life. It benefited all of them, and he’d said before. He was best friends with this Mark and who he was. He would never betray him.

 

Jinyoung’s point about this and that Jackson not being the same person held true, of course. But Mark had already realised: life is complicated. You fall in love with one person even while loving the other. You do things that make no sense because you love them. You go crazy. There wasn’t anything he could do now than place his love for the other Jackson in his heart and keep it safe there. He would always love him… and how different was this after all? Jackson Wang, in the flesh, with the same puppy-dog eyes and huge grin, was sitting in the seat next to him. He sounded the same, looked the same… laughed the same.

 

Mark reached across and took Jackson’s free hand as he steered with the other, clasping it briefly. They giggled softly, sounding free for the first time in god knew how long, and suddenly the youth that had been lost to their eyes, it returned.

 

“I’ll love you forever.” Mark said tenderly.

 

“Oh, Mark,” Jackson said with a smile.

 

The car sped through the darkness for a tranquil moment, and they could sense each other. Their souls, seeking out each other’s heartbeat. They were almost able to feel the red string connecting the two of them. After what felt like hours, Jackson finished his sentence, voice sweet and low.

 

“I’ll love you so much longer than that.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally Mark and Jackson make up with hugs and kisses <3  
> So this is the final chapter which will be uploaded for now ^^   
> Why?  
> Because there's a sequel called Another Ocean!   
> The endings of both could affect each other, and thus, I have gone by a poll and the decision is to upload the final chapter of both at the same time.   
> Thanks for reading and for all the support you've given me!


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